Football Momma

Good news and bad news....

2011-07-01T10:14:00.000-04:00

The good news is I have some beautiful pics of our Baby Bear and the family is getting along great. We've had a few issues with the boys because they want to do certain things outside and it's just not safe with our neighbors. (Another story all together.)

Now for the bad news....we are getting very little sleep. Our neighbors are throwing parties nearly every night and acting like fools. They have had fights in our yard and messed around near our van. So we have to stay up to keep an eye on what is happening. It is really getting out of control. When we call the police they don't come out until everything is settled back down. Worst of all we have watched them smoke dope right in thier front yards. It's crazy.

This Blog is Shut Down

2010-12-14T10:39:00.001-05:00

What a day.....

2010-02-02T10:38:00.000-05:00

Last night my hubby and I decided to color my hair red. Turned out great.....looks beautiful.....but now I'm getting an allergic reaction to the dye. My head itches incredibly My scalp is actually sore. And around the edges of my hair you can see huge red marks. It's terrible. I am just praying that it doesn't get as bad as it did last time. The last time I dyed my hair dark I was in the hospital for 3 days because I had such a bad reaction. I'm trying to stay on my benadryl and claratin to control it, but I don't know if that is going to work. I just pray that it does or Bill will never let me color my hair again. I think from now on though we will stick with the blonde. At least I've never had a reaction to that one. I just hate having so much gray at a mere 38 years old. I never pictured myself going gray until I was in my 50's. So this just sucks. The next thing I'm going to do to my hair is perm it. I will have to give it 2 weeks now until I perm it, but I think it will be well worth it. I am so sick of my hair anyway that it isn't even funny. I went from waist length hair to hair that doesn't even touch the collar of my shirt. Ugh.......

I guess today is just going to be a sucky day all the way around. I have to pick Brett up in half an hour and then I have to get Bill to his therapist appointment. Grrr....... Too much to do and EVERYTHING involves me. No one in this house can do anything without my involvement. It really sucks. Right now all I want to do is go to bed. I got up at 4 a.m. because my head was itching so bad and couldn't go back to sleep. Now from all the meds I am just exhausted. Well I guess I'm done with this for today. I have to go and get some stuff ready for Bill.

Winter...

2010-01-31T20:52:00.000-05:00

Well so far it's still cold and nasty out. I hate the winter months. I really belong somewhere down south. Somewhere that doesn't get snow and cold. I would love to see 80 degrees in the winter and 110 in the summer. That would be awesome to me.

Otherwise Roy is doing horrible in school. Billy is now in his special ed classes and Brett loves school. That's one out of three doing well. Kinda sucks. I wish all three were doing well.

Last night we went out to the Old Great Wall and Julie's parents were there. I was sure Jason was going to start trouble. He just left. Thankfully. Since he hates Roy for some reason I thought for sure he would start something. Him and Tammy are just assholes about everything concerning Roy and Julie. They are going together and it's not like Jason and Tammy are going to stop them. They tried that and it lasted all of 2 days. What idiots.

As far as I go....I was out of my meds for 3 weeks and now I am back to being depressed and manic at the same time. Not a good combination. I can't sleep well...I'm always bitchy.....I am always tired. It sucks. I really hate my life right now. I know it is just the depression, but it feels like so much more.

The closer we get....

2009-11-22T14:39:00.000-05:00

Well it's almost Thanksgiving and everything has gone wrong. First we discovered lice last Wednesday. Naturally we treated it that day. Come Saturday we discover that there are still lice in the kids and I. So we go through the whole mess again. So now I have done over 30 loads of laundry since Wednesday, I have de-loused twice and I am cleaning for Thanksgiving Day. This is driving me nuts. We actually went to the point of cutting EVERYONE'S hair. I actually have short hair now. That just pisses me off, but it had to be done. At least Bill cut it decent and I can curl it and make it look cute. The back is a little too short for me and a little choppy, but overall it looks good.

Now I have to finish the laundry and keep cleaning for Thanksgiving. My dining room is currently trashed and I am looking forward to having it clean for Thanksgiving Day. It's going to take a lot of work to get that room in shape now since everything got put in there during the de-lousing. I also have all the boxes in there from my computer so those have to find a new home. I'm keeping the computer box just in case I need it for anything. The printer box and the other boxes can go to the garbage for recycling next week. Otherwise I might just gather up all the recycling and take it to Billy's school to be recycled. Either way it's going in the recycling bin. The cleaning and fixing the brakes on the van have to be done tomorrow. I'm loving that. I will finally have decent brakes again! Right now the brakes are rubbing steel on steel. I'm actually afraid of driving it right now.

I may just keep the kids home for the 2 days they would have gone to school this week due to the lice. That would mean my cleaning gets done on Tuesday and my running gets done on Monday. That would actually be a little easier on me for this week. I just hope we don't end up with any more appointments this week. I don't think I have time for anymore this week. I already have appointments on Monday and Tuesday. That's going to mean my cleaning gets pushed to the late afternoon. Oh well that is par for the course for me on a holiday week. I just know that Thanksgiving will go great anyway.

Christmas findings....

2009-11-13T08:15:00.000-05:00

Well my oldest ruined part of Christmas. Last night he found the stereo we bought him for Christmas. Now I'm bummed. He loves it though. That is a good thing. I'm looking forward to actually give it to him. I know I am extremely happy with my Christmas gift since I got it early. I got my laptop for Christmas. I love it. It has made my life so much easier. I can work from anywhere now and I love that.

Otherwise I think we are going to have an awesome Christmas. The boys are getting bikes and a new game system for Brett. This is going to be an awesome Christmas for the boys. I got Bill his two new accounts and the upgrades for them for Christmas. He is happy now. He's loving it. He has everything he really wanted for Christmas as far as I can tell. We'll have a happy day. I know I want to set up my laptop to video tape the whole morning. That should be fun. I will like it having the morning taped on my comp. That will be great. I will of course also be video taping the whole morning with our camcorder. It will be great for us. The technology will be over flowing come Christmas morning.

Homework, homework and more homework.......

2009-11-12T21:26:00.000-05:00

So far I have spent 2 hours working on homework with my 1st grader tonight. I think this is ridiculous. There is no reason for a 6 year old to have 2 hours worth of homework and still be working on it. Granted the last of the homework is just coloring, but still that's a long time. I really feel sorry for him because he struggles so much in school. But finally on Monday he will start some special education classes so that may help him to get through it better.

In other fronts I have done a ton of Christmas shopping so far and I'm still not done. I have to finish getting bikes for the boys and pick up bedding sets to go with the 2 little ones now sharing a room. I am loving it. I just hope that Brett does ok on his first night in his new bed. I am truly tired of sleeping with him at this point. There is no reason that he can't be in his own bed except for daddy. Daddy has kept him with me for the last year. It is driving me nuts. He tosses and turns soooo much at night that he really keeps me awake.

I also need to get back to writing. The whole idea of the laptop was so that I could write more and now I have virtually NO time to write. I need to come up with some good ideas and go with it. I'm sure that once things calm down a little bit I will get back to writing. I always have trouble writing around holiday time because I just get sooo busy with school and everything else.

Life is grand one moment and a bitch the next....

2009-10-28T16:32:00.000-04:00

Bill finally got his disability...that's the good news. The bad news is that Roy has decided to lie to us once again. I am exstatic about Bill's disability because we have fought so hard for it for so long, but on the other hand I am also very dissappointed in my son. I really wish he would straighten up and fly right. Now I have to sit and listen to Bill bitch him out for days on end. I'm tired of hearing that too. It's a pain in the ass.

Now I am just looking forward to Christmas and getting my new laptop! Bill already promised it to me for Christmas! Yay!!!! Otherwise we are just going to have a great Christmas all the way around for one year. I am so looking forward to it. We haven't had a nice Christmas in a long time. Now we will be having a great one. This is so awesome!

Greiving.....

2009-10-14T20:09:00.000-04:00

Everyone grieves in their own way. For me it is writing about the person so here goes. I just got the call a few minutes ago that my Grandpa passed away. We knew it was coming since Sunday, but still I will greatly miss this man. He was always kind and loving to everyone he encountered. He adored my three boys beyond compare. The world is definitely a lonelier place today. My family has lost it’s patriarch and a wonderful person. He had light in his soul and always had something good to say to everyone. He will be greatly missed in the weeks, months and years ahead.

My Grandpa was a gentleman through and through. He was kind, loving and gentle all the time. He cared deeply about all of us “kids” as we were so lovingly called. He joked and laughed with all of us about even the most trivial of things. Soon he will be an angel watching over all of us again.

His last wishes were that there be no funeral, no showing and no one grieving for him. While he will get the first two of his wishes….we will still all grieve for our loss. I wish I had the words to make my Mom and Dad feel better right now, but there isn’t much I can say to them to make it right. We knew he was closing in on the end for some time now. In his final days he suffered great pain and anguish…now he may rest in peace.

We all love you Grandpa and always will.

Grandpa Maxwell.....

2009-10-13T16:45:00.000-04:00

Just got the news yesterday that my Grandpa isn't going to make it through this time. He has had a stroke, there is blood in his bladder and there is fluid in the heart and lungs. Mom and Dad brought him home to try to make him comfortable in his last days, but today his breathing has gotten really shallow. We don't expect him to last much longer. In a way this is a blessing for him. Right now he is suffering in horrible pain and passing would take that away for him. I will be very sad to lose such a sweet man from my life, but in his best interests the sooner the better. He is my step-Grandpa but I have always considered him my Grandpa just the same. He is a sweet, funny man and I will always treasure the time I had with him. Bless this sweet man for the loving way he lived his life and his sweet demeanor to everyone around him.

Homecoming pics.......

2009-10-04T21:05:00.000-04:00

Well homecoming weekend is officially over. The homecoming went great. Roy and Julie had a ton of fun together. The only thing that got screwed up was the pictures. They were supposed to get pictures taken at the homecoming and by the time they got up there the photographer quit for the night. So now we have to take them to Wal-Mart and get pictures of them done. So they will have to dress up completely all over again and go for pics. Oh well. At least they had fun that night. They looked fabulous too! I was so impressed with my boy! He did a great job and even walked her to the door like a gentleman after the dance. It was soooo cute! When he gave her the corsage she actually started to cry. I was surprised by this, but that's ok too.

The rest of the weekend was busy but good. The homecoming was really the highlight though.

Homecoming Weekend......

2009-10-02T17:29:00.000-04:00

Well this is new for me. My son is taking his girlfriend to the homecoming game and then tomorrow to the homecoming dance. I am shocked that he actually agreed to go, but he really likes his new girlfriend and wants to make her happy. So off he goes. Freshman in high school and attending his first homecoming. I am more nervous about it than he is. It is very nerve wracking for me. The picture is them after a game. What a trip. But Tammy (her mom) and I called this relationship way back in May this year. So neither of us are surprised that they are together now. They really make the cutest couple ever. Best of all they were really good friends before they started dating and now they really care about eachother. I love it. I was right and it turned out just like I told him it would.

Bill is gone today to Ann Arbor for another doctor's appointment down there. I hope something comes of it. We really need to get his disability this time around. It is so important right now that it isn't even funny. Without it I don't know what is going to happen to us next. It's getting pretty bad right now.

Writing

2009-09-24T07:30:00.000-04:00

I am officially kicking off a writing career. I am publishing to HubPages and Squidoo. I am also working on getting writing clients. I will be sending out brochures to all the local non-profit organizations to start with. I have extensive experience in writing for non-profits and marketing non-profits. I am hoping to make this a part-time career. I don't plan to get rich from it, but I do plan to make some money from it. I really think I can do it too. Now if my Google AdSense account would just come through. That would help a ton. I already have pages that would be making money if my AdSense came through. It's really starting to tick me off too.

In other fronts, Roy's football team has yet to win a game. He's really getting disgusted by it too. The coach won't seem to put in the best players. I've seen the good players on the field but never for very long. I've already learned who's who on the team and I can tell who should be in the game. It isn't like the last few years now. They don't have to equalize game time, they are supposed to be trying to win. With this coaches strategies it isn't going to happen though. I really feel bad for the kids. They are amazingly dedicated and they are getting no where near thier goals.

Hubber

2009-09-13T12:48:00.002-04:00

I have officially become a Hubber. I opened my first HubPage today. Hopefully I'll make something off from it. It would be really nice to have a little extra cash for a change. Otherwise I will keep looking for things to do with my writing. I always want to make money writing I just don't think I'm that good at it. Time will tell.

Otherwise I have completely pulled apart my dining room today. I'm waiting for my mom to get here with a microwave cart for my printer. She should be here around 3 p.m. I hope. I am really looking forward to having Roy back home since he's been gone all weekend. I really miss him when he's gone. But I have to let him have a life too. I know he gets so upset with his dad that he needs a break from it. It has to be very frustrating for him. Dad lets him do very little and now that he's 14 he wants to do so much more. I just wish Bill would back off from him a bit more.

Billy and Brett have been driving me nuts about Roy being gone too. They really miss their big brother. I don't blame them. They have a ton of fun with him. It's always good for them to be with him. They really do all love each other even though they fight and argue a lot of the time. That's what brothers are for I guess. I, personally, wouldn't know being an only child.

Time moves on....

2009-09-11T06:41:00.002-04:00

Well yesterday proved interesting for Roy. He dumped Rachel because she was cheating on him with Ted and within minutes Julie was his new girlfriend. I was shocked! As soon as Roy got rid of Rachel, Julie spoke up and said "I've got dibs". So started a new era with a new girlfriend. This one I really like though and I like her mom a lot too. I trust this relationship more than I did the one with Rachel to be honest. Julie and Roy have been best of friends for two years now and I think that is really going to help thier relationship. I was just totally shocked that in five minutes he got rid of one girl and had a new one waiting in the wings. Oh well....such is life in high school. LOL

In other news, Brett had his first day of school on Wednesday and he loved it. I think it's going to go really well for him this year. Of course that means one more parent group that I am involved with for a total of four now. I can't believe I've been roped into so many parent groups all ready this year.

Billy had his first day on Tuesday and I took him to school so he would find his classroom and his teacher all right. I really liked his teacher. She said she is going to stay on top of things with Billy's learning disability as well so I will have another teacher helping me to get him on the right track. I think he is off to a good start so far. Things are going well for him. As soon as I left his classroom to come home I was confronted with a principal and volunteer coordinator asking me if I would be involved with the parent group this year. It's too funny how I get roped into all these different groups. But the parents need to be involved for the kids to really succeed. So I handle the kids' stuff. I think I do fairly well with all of the different activities that I am involved with during the school year.

Of course, peace out 'til next time!

First day of school.......

2009-09-08T14:36:00.002-04:00

What a bittersweet day. I love that I will be getting more mommy time to myself, but on the other hand I will desperately miss my boys. I have actually enjoyed having them home all summer long. I miss it already. The house seems so big and empty with them gone all day. Granted my youngest is still here, but it's just not the same. There isn't the same laughing and playing going on now that there has been all summer. One upside is that I'm not being asked for something to eat every ten minutes all day long. My boys are like ravenous carnivores and can never get enough. I truly understand the sayings about growing boys now! Ugh....they never stop eating! LOL

Otherwise things are going pretty good. I had my counselling appointment today and did more paperwork. We also talked about the problems I am facing with Billy and getting him tested for special ed. Today has just been crazy busy. I took Billy to school at 8:00 a.m. and got home about 9a.m. Then at 10:15 I had to have Brett at the dentist and that lasted until 11 a.m. Then at 11:30 I had to be at my counselling appointment. In the hour I was home I made several phone calls and dealt with several different things. So far today this is the first time I have sat down and just relaxed and that is only going to last for a 1/2 hour. Then I have to get ready to get Billy off the bus from school. What a day! Tomorrow I have to take Brett to school and stay with him for the day and then he will officially start school next Monday without mom there for the day. Then I will have parent meetings at all three schools, Booster Club meetings and volunteering for all three schools. It is going to be pure chaos for me this school year. But it's all for my boys so it's worth every minute of it. It's just a crazy life I live. At least my boys are all happy and healthy. That's what counts most.

So for today.....peace out!

Ahhh....a day off

2009-09-06T07:23:00.002-04:00

Today I got up at 5:00 a.m. and I have nothing to do all day. Yesterday we cleaned the house and played outside so today is a free day. I get to just relax. And to make it even better my dh is taking us all out to the Old Great Wall for dinner. His mom gave him the money to go out and he chose today to do it. It couldn't be better timing for me. That means I even get a break from cooking today. Yay for me!

All morning I have been sitting here listening to the crickets and now I am starting to hear the birds chirp. What a wonderful sound in the morning. It's been such a relaxing morning too. I've been up all by myself for 2 1/2 hours. I don't usually get that much quiet time. I'm sure one of the boys will be up soon. They tend to get up really early too. At least this way I get the time to blog in peace and quiet. I even got a shower this morning......un-interupted! That is unusual. The norm is for me to get in the shower and then have one of the kids pound on the door that they need something. Like it can't wait 10 little minutes. Ugh....But that's kids for you. Never patient. At least they are happy and healthy. That's all I can ask for.

So for now....peace out!

Busy, busy....

2009-09-03T07:43:00.003-04:00

I woke up today at 5:30 and got my oldest ready to go to his high school orientation. He'll be there from 7:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. and then has football practice at 3:30 p.m. It's going to be a crazy long day for him. But he better get used to it because once school starts that will be his normal days at least until football is over with for this year. Even then he will be expected to stay late sometimes and lift weights. That's just to keep him ready for next year. I can't believe that most of the teams start practice in March with weight lifting. Thier game season doesn't even start until late August. That's months of weight lifting. It's no wonder that these kids are graduating with bench presses of 400 pounds.

As for me I have to go grocery shopping today and then put away all the laundry. I also have to wash dishes....yuck. I hate washing dishes, but that's part of being a housewife. As a stay at home mom I have more work to do than most people I know that work out of the house. It drives me crazy! I know a lot of women that work outside the house and don't do half of what I do in a day. Then they ask me how I can stay home and not be bored to tears. Hah! That's really funny. I'm too busy to be bored.

My boys all start school next week. That will be a sad time for me. I actually enjoy having them home to look after. So I guess it's time to take down the pool and get ready for school now. I also have to take the air conditioner out of my bedroom. It's time. It hasn't been hot in two weeks now so I don't see any need for an air conditioner. In two weeks I am going to start painting my hallway.....finally. That will give me time to get the kids settled back in school and me settled back into a new routine and then I can start my painting projects. It will sooooo be worth it in the end. I look forward to the fresh new look in my hallway and I might even tackle my living room yet this year. If not I will do that in the spring. I hate to paint in the house in the winter. The fumes just make me sick when I can't have all the windows open.

So for today....peace out!

Exhausted.....

2009-09-01T13:06:00.002-04:00

Today I woke up at 3:15 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep so at 4 a.m. I got up for the day. I drank my coffee and did pretty well for several hours. Now I feel groggy and just spent. So far today I have done three loads of laundry, took back movies, went to the library, went clothes shopping for the boys for school and went and got blood work taken. I hope to get a nap pretty soon here. If not I'm just not going to be functioning for the rest of the day and I still have to sort out Billy's old clothes and see what can be handed down to Brett and what he can still wear. Then I have to put away everyone's laundry from this week. I need to eat and rest before I continue on today though. I think I'll sign off and go look for a snack. Peace out!

OMG am I behind....

2009-08-30T15:12:00.002-04:00

I have gotten a week behind in my Gemstones II class. This is absolutely alarming to me. I don't have a lot of time to begin with so getting behind is not a good thing. I need to spend the next two days getting caught up and back to where I should be. This is going to either make me or break me in this class and I can't fail or I can't take Gemstones III. I am so stressed over this right now. Especially considering that I don't have the stone needed for last week's assignment and I don't know how long it is going to take to get it either. Ugh.....what is going to go wrong next?

First game of the season.......

2009-08-27T20:16:00.002-04:00

Last night was my son's first football game of the season. Granted they only tied 14 to 14, but they played really well. He really worked his butt off for the game. I am proud of how well he did. He was even announced for one of his tackles. He really nailed the guy and did it well. It's like I told him....you're not out there to make friends, you're out there to win a game. Making friends with the other team is pointless in football. You need to concentrate on keeping the ball out of the other team's hands and getting it back in your team's hands when you do lose it. But all in all he was wiped out from last night's game since he played offense and defense most of the game. He was out of the game for a brief period to rest up and that was about it.

Not so proud anymore....

2009-08-24T10:11:00.002-04:00

Well I got woke up at 3 a..m. to discuss my 14 year old's behavior. Evidently he has been hitting Billy in the back of the head, hard, for at least two weeks now. This has been happening whenever the boys are upstairs together. So now my oldest is grounded from video games (upstairs activity) and from touching his brother at all. Roy has Billy so scared of being hit that Billy peed his bed instead of getting up to go potty. He was afraid Roy would hit him again. As a mother I am thoroughly disgusted by this behavior from Roy. I've been doing everything I can to support him in football and this is how he repays me. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of how scared my 6 year old is of my 14 year old now. I am just sickened by the whole thing. I am highly disappointed in Roy for doing something so horrible to his little brother. Especially since this particular brother doesn't quite get everything going on around him. He isn't the brightest child I have ever seen for sure. He is a bit slow, but he is highly loving and kind hearted. To think that this poor little one has been getting tormented by his older brother is sickening.

Slowing down....

2009-08-23T10:12:00.002-04:00

Since last Thursday and my boy's first scrimmage things have slowed down finally. I don't know how much longer I could've kept up the pace we were going at. Now there is only one practice a day and all the other school stuff is caught up. The only thing I have left to do for school is get backpacks and take Brett to the dentist. I think I can handle that rather easily. I still have to get to the lab to have my blood work done. I just haven't had the time to do that lately. Now that things have slowed down a little I think I can do it this week. Maybe on Friday while Bill is gone to his doctor appointment with Jean I can get it done. Either that or tomorrow morning before Bill goes to physical therapy. I don't know since I have to take Brett in too. I'm not looking forward to that though. Brett is scared of needles just like daddy so it is going to be really hard getting his blood work done. I hate that. But I have to do it. I just don't want to do it.

Otherwise everything is looking good right now. This week once again I have appointments every day, but they are not the same as last week where I had several appointments a day. This week it's done to one appointment a day. That's not too bad. I think I can take that a lot better than two and three appointments a day. Right now I'm just waiting for my mom to call me to chit chat for the morning. I figure she'll call by 11:30. It sucks not having long distance anymore so I can call her whenever I want to. I really miss that. I was used to talking to mom at least once a day and now it sometimes goes two days without talking to her. I really hate that. But once Bill's disability comes through we won't have that problem any more. We'll be able to handle the higher phone bill so that I can call mom and Steph when I want to. For right now though I just have to wait for them to call me. That's life. Hopefully soon though Bill's disability will come through for us. I really am praying that it comes through very soon. We desperately need it. Bill thinks that we will keep getting big amounts back with taxes every year but I don't think we will any more. I think he is going to find that we don't get crap back anymore because I am on disability and he isn't working now. I think that is going to make a big difference in how much taxes we get back. I doubt we'll get anything back anymore. Oh well. We'll just have to live frugally until we get his disability.

Worn out Football Mamma....

2009-08-18T17:11:00.002-04:00

I have been running non-stop today. I have gone to two appointments, paid the bills, done school clothes shopping and dropped my oldest off twice to football practice from which he usually walks home. It has been an insane day. I haven't gotten my dishes done because quite frankly I haven't had the time to do them. In between runs I have done three loads of laundry though. That makes me feel a little better about not getting to the dishes. I'll do those tomorrow morning in what little free time I have tomorrow. I have about 2 hours of unscheduled time tomorrow morning. After that my whole day is scheduled tight. It's been like this every day for the last two weeks. The only day I seem to have off is on Sundays. Otherwise it's practice, physical therapy for Bill, physicals for the kids, shopping, my medical appointments and so much more. I just haven't slowed down in days. I am hoping that Friday will remain "open" like it is now but I have a very strong feeling that by Friday morning something will be on the schedule for that day too! LOL At least I can say I am a very busy woman. Otherwise I would be bored to tears. Every minute I don't have something scheduled right now is spent outside in the pool with the two little ones. They love the new EasySet pool thier grandma bought them so I try to let them play in it as much as possible.

Otherwise I have to go Thursday morning for my EMG on my arms. The doctor is trying to decide whether or not I need the carpal tunnel surgery or not. If it's not bad enough they won't do the surgery and I am really hoping that it isn't bad enough. I don't know what I would do without the use of my right hand for a month. That thought is just scary to me. But if I have to do it I have to do it. I will do whatever is best for me. If that means the family has to help out more then so be it. They can help out for a few weeks without it killing them. I know I have to get the cysts taken out of my wrist and thumb. That is going to be a necessity soon due to the pain they are causing. The numbness I can live with the pain is a little much at times.

Tonight I have to go to Central for a meet the team night. All of the football players from Freshmen to Varsity will be there with thier coaches. We will get to meet everyone. I am really looking forward to that as I haven't met the coaches in person yet. I have spoken to one of them on the phone but I would really like to meet them in person! I like to know my son's teachers and coaches rather well. Then I know what to expect out of them and they know what to expect out of me. It all works out for the best that way I think.

So for tonight I'm signing off as I have to go fold a load of laundry and then head out to school again!

Woodstock 40 years later.....

2009-08-15T10:16:00.002-04:00

Although I wasn't even born yet in 1969 I have a great deal of respect for Woodstock. Woodstock was my mom's generation. The year before Woodstock my sister died. The year of Woodstock my mom was stuck in an abusive relationship. She would have loved to have gone to Woodstock but because of her marriage she couldn't. The music still resonates to both of us in everyday life. I still listen to Rock'N'Roll and my mom still loves country, but at heart the actual music of Woodstock we have in common. We both love Jimi Hendrix, the Beatles, Black Sabbath and so many more. This has always been the common ground between mother and daughter even in our darkest times together. When my mom was an alcoholic we listened to this music together. After the darkness lifted and my mom and I got back on track in our relationship we still listened to this music. I would say that all generations from my mother's on will be impacted by the music and love of Woodstock. To my generation it was a symbol of love and peace combined with fabulous music. To my mom's generation it was a symbol of freedom. Woodstock will always live on in the hearts and minds of every generation as a part of social freedom, goodwill and peace.

OMG I'm tired......

2009-08-15T08:28:00.002-04:00

I got up at 4:00 a.m. and now that it's 8:30 I am exhausted. I just want to curl up and sleep but now I have one of my kids up, one sleeping and one at football practice. I guess I'll just keep sucking down the coffee in hopes of staying awake long enough to do my chores for the day. I have to get my dishes done and finish my laundry. I have a football uniform to wash today. Yeah for me. It stinks to high heaven! LOL I guess I should expect that from my football player. It's funny to watch him pull it out of his bag and hold it out at arms length to me and say "wash this please, it stinks". LOL I have to laugh at him every time he does this! I find it hugely funny. I guess that's a good thing or else I would probably be upset over the extra work his football gives me. As it is I enjoy helping him succeed in football.

Well it's off to do the dishes.....catch ya'll later!

Depression.....

2009-08-09T11:18:00.003-04:00

Well my dh is going through a period of depression. His meds aren't really helping, but he won't even talk to me so I can't help him either. He is really driving me crazy. I know he has problems with his bipolar and asbergers together but he becomes very unresponsive and difficult to live with at times. I just don't know what to do. It is impossible to get him to talk so I can't help. I wish he would take his second med with the first one and see if that would help but he won't even consider taking the second med. He says he doesn't want to be drugged up. I would rather have him drugged up than to be this way. He is clearly getting more and more difficult to live with.

In other fronts....tomorrow Roy will start double practices. That should be a lot of work for him. I just hope he gets a good spot on the team. He really wants to play and being on the side lines most of the season will really turn him off from the game.

And AHhhhh.....I lost one of my diamonds in my wedding ring. I have no idea where I could have lost it so I can't really look for it now. I am so upset about losing it!

FOOTBALL.....

2009-08-08T13:51:00.002-04:00

Monday Roy starts with double times for football practice. This should prove to be interesting. I talked to Mr. Beson today and he said to tell him to hit as hard as he can and keep going to earn a place on the team. Otherwise he'll be on the side lines most of the season. That royally sucks but what am I to do? I'll give him the advice and hope that he listens, but I guess that Central football is mostly politics. I'll have to play nice to keep up with Roy this year and in following years. This is going to get hard for me. I need to join the booster club and do everything possible to help my boy out.

Hospitals.........Grrrrrrrrrr

2009-07-03T22:08:00.003-04:00

So last night we spent 7 1/2 hours in the hospital because Bill went numb in both legs and had to miss a doctor's appointment. It was crazy. They did a bizillion blood tests, urine test, MRI and looked at the results of his last x-ray. They said there was nothing they could do for him and sent him home. It took 7 1/2 hours for that. How stupid can they really be? I would hope that if there were ever a real emergency they would look closer at it than what last night showed. The poor kids were going nuts waiting around.....although I will say they behaved very well. Bill became an obnoxious ass waiting around. I really hate it when he has to wait like that because he becomes down right beligerent. He is not a kind person at times like that. Sometimes I wonder how he could be the same person I married.

On the other hand though at least the numbness was documented for once. Otherwise the only documentation of it that we have is the book we write it in. I think that's why Bill hasn't gotten his SSI yet. There is not enough proof that he is having these problems. I wish he would understand that we need the proof of it happening but he just says it's a waste of time. I agree it's a pain in the ass to sit in the hospital, but the more proof we have of this happening the better. I just wish we could go in every time that it happens but our insurance wouldn't allow for that. As it is Bill has been having numbness in his entire right leg, back, part of the left leg and his right hand today. That was all at one time........not separate parts of the body throughout the day. It really sucks. I had to make him go to bed and lay down for awhile. That was at 7:30 and he's still in bed at 10:19. I guess he really needed the rest or else the numbness is still there. I know when I checked on him at 9:30 he was sleeping, but when I woke him he said he was still numb. So I guess for now I just have to keep checking on him and making sure he is all right for the time being. Sometimes the numbness takes six to eight hours to go away. During that time he is completely useless. The numb body parts don't function properly and often won't move. Try getting a 280 pound man from one room to the next when his leg won't move properly. I sure as hell can't carry him, but Roy and I together have had to carry him more than once now. I've even had the neighbor help me get him back in the house because he went outside to do something and went numb out there. Now he doesn't trust going outside much at all. I personally think he is highly embarrassed that the neighbor has helped get him back in the house or that he has had to sit outside for hours doing nothing but waiting for the numbness to go away because I couldn't get him in the house alone.

Today I am just thankful that Roy was home with Bill while I went grocery shopping. What would have happened to the two little ones if Bill went numb and he was here alone with them? They could have gotten outside and gotten hurt and he wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. At least now that I have a cell phone he keeps the house phone right next to him when I am gone and will call me the moment he starts to feel funny at all. That way I can run home to be with him and make sure he is all right and so are the kids. Before I had my cell phone I didn't go anywhere without my kids because I just couldn't trust that something wouldn't happen when he was here with the kids. Now I feel like I have a little bit of freedom. Before I felt trapped and smothered. Now I at least get a little bit of time to myself. I need that once in awhile. When I am with the kids non-stop for weeks on end I start to feel too stressed out and I don't do well anymore with that. I need at least a couple of hours to myself once in a while even if it is just to go grocery shopping. It leaves me feeling less stressed and much more able to deal with my kiddos.

Children and problems......

2009-06-28T15:05:00.002-04:00

Well today Brett came up with an unknown swelling on his leg. Bill swears something hit the leg and I swear it's a bug bite with a nasty allergic reaction. I really wish I could believe Bill is right because I'm afraid of anaphalactic shock and breathing problems for Brett. Worst of all....if it was a bug bite we don't know what kind of bug bit him. Now I'm just nervous completely. I gave him Benadryl as a precaution and put an ice pack on the swollen part of the leg. I am hoping that this will settle it down. The swelling covers nearly half of the calf on the back. It is sickening to see. It looks just terrible. I feel so bad for him but don't know what else to do besides take him to ER. If it doesn't settle down soon that is exactly what I'm going to do with him. Right now he's sleeping off the Benadryl.....at least he can rest while this is going on. I feel like a train wreck. LOL

Yesterday I had to go to my cousin's graduation party (the kids stayed home with Dad). And it was very interesting. Dana was there and wouldn't even say Hello to me. I got to talk to some of the other family members though. That was nice. I got to see Bob and Shelly and all their kids. I got to see Dylan and Alexia. Grandma was there with Aunt Lynda and Uncle Eugene. I talked to Mike and Eugene for a while. All together it was a nice outing, but I could have easily thought of more fun things to do with some private time than to sit at Roy and Nancy's house.

Texas and children

2009-06-18T16:21:00.002-04:00

My visit with my cousin from Texas is now over. She went home last Sunday. Yeah I know I should've gotten around to blogging this stuff earlier........but I've been uber busy. My visit as it was was absolutely awesome. I already miss Steph. But her kids are getting sooooo big already. I kind of expected Dylan's growth but I didn't expect Lexi to be as big as she is. That was a real surprise. I still have until August to pick up Dylan and Lexi and spend some more time with them. That should be really nice for the boys. They love thier cousins very much and were very sad when they left. I already miss Steph. It would be really nice to just pack up and go to Texas for a couple of weeks with her. But I know I can't do that. Oh well.

On to other topics. Sunday night Roy ran away for 2 1/2 hours. That was the worst 2 1/2 hours of my life. I was scared silly and cried a lot. I guess that was my day for tears cuz first I cried over Steph leaving and then I cried over Roy. It all started over Roy and Bill getting into it again and Bill telling Roy to get out. WELL....Roy did. Bill figured that Roy would just walk around the block for a while and cool off.....but no he took off. At 1:10 a.m. the police picked him up on Lafayette and Michigan. I'm sure he was headed for Rachel's house, but he says he wasn't. I was sooooo thankful that the police found him safe and sound that I just couldn't yell at him. Of course Bill did enough of that for both of us anyway. I guess that's why I'm so leinient on the boys.......Bill is a total hard ass. While Roy was gone I told him that and told him that Roy leaving was all his fault....which it was. I was sooo mad at Bill I didn't even want to speak to him the whole time. I was sad, angry and frustrated. I hate to admit that my child ran away but at 14 with a dad that is always in your face it had to happen sooner or later. I doubt this will be the only time it happens too, but I pray that it never happens again. I don't know what I would do if one of my boys took off and something happened to them. I know I can't take much more of this kind of crap. Sunday was probably one of the hardest days ever for me. I hated every minute of that day. Too bad I can't go back in time and keep Steph here and stop Roy from ever leaving in the first place. I am still stessed out and messed up over the whole thing. I just hate it and I hate Bill for doing it. If Bill weren't such a hard ass none of this would have ever happened to begin with. It royally sucks but I feel trapped here. Bill loves me but he doesn't show it and he is down right mean with the boys at times. He claims he has plenty to prove that I would lose the boys if I left him and that is my ONLY fear. I would leave in a heartbeat if I knew my boys would be with me but he will fight me all the way for my boys. I'm just beginning to wonder if I may have a few things against him that would help my case.

A visit from Texas....

2009-06-11T14:41:00.003-04:00

Well my darling cousin from Texas is in Michigan for a week for vacation. We are having a great time. It just feels so natural to be with her again. She has stayed here three nights and we stay up late to talk and get up early with the kids and talk some more. Things are going great with her visit. I just wish she were staying longer. I would love to have her move back to Michigan again, but right now she seems happy in Texas and just visiting once every couple of years. Her kids are getting sooooo big now! I almost flipped when I saw Dylan for the first time when they got here. He was about 9 inches shorter when they moved to Texas than what he is now! I was amazed. And Lexi is just like her mom in every way. She acts like her and even moves like she did as a child. I know in years to come she won't want to hear that but it's the truth. She is what she is. I will definately miss them when they leave again. I know Steph leaves on Sunday and then the kids will leave in August. I will be seeing the kids whenever I want while they are up here. All I have to do is call Roy and I can go pick up the kids for a day. It will be nice for the summer.

Otherwise....Bill's disability hearing went so/so. I was really hoping to get an answer while we were there but that didn't happen. I am hoping that we will actually get the disability once they gather all the records that they want. Otherwise we will be losing the house or at least having to sell it and move up north. That's life though. I kinda wish we would move up north because I would at least be close to my mom for a change. I haven't lived close to her in about 18 years. I would love to make a five minute drive to my mom's any time I wanted to. That would be a huge change for me. I know that it would be hard living in the cabin because it is so small but we could do it. I know we would have to get a storage unit too but that's ok. We could afford a storage unit if we were living up there. The cost of living in the cabin is minor compared to what it costs us to live here. Right now my entire check is taken up with just the utilities not to mention the taxes, insurance and house payment. It really sucks. We don't get an extra dime to spend anymore. I really hate it. Disposable income just doesn't exist for us at this time. I really wish it did. Our lives would be sooooo much nicer if we could afford to go out to eat once in a while or to go clothes shopping just because we wanted something new to wear. Right now ALL our money goes into the house and nothing else. It sucks living this way. I want to have some freedom to do things or go places. That just can't happen right now but it could if we moved up north. We could do a lot of things if we moved up there. But then again that would mean leaving my son's girlfriend and leaving his school behind. He would definately baulk at that. He would hate me for it. But I think in time he would see how much better it would be. It would take him awhile, but that's life. It takes everyone awhile to adjust to a new setting and a new lifestyle. I would still keep him in football and he would be able to stay in touch with his girlfriend. He could call her whenever he wanted too so it really wouldn't be that huge of a deal and eventually they will break up and he would find someone in his new school. I know this being his first girlfriend it definately won't be his last. I just don't see that happening.

What a day........

2009-05-11T14:56:00.003-04:00

I finally got to talk to Kathy today. She is doing ok. I have definately heard better news from her. Her bird died and she gained weight all in the same time period. She is not having a good time with her meds.

I took Brett with me to Wal-Mart today to buy locks. I have to padlock my fence gates to keep the kids in the fence now. They figured out how to get the old clips off so they could get out. Now they can't open the gates at all. Ha.....maybe that will teach them to listen when mommy speaks. I doubt it though..........

Right now DH and DS are out cleaning out everything from the truck so that my dad can take it home tomorrow. I didn't expect it to be gone so quickly, but that's ok too. Maybe my yard will look like a yard now. Granted I'll have to re-seed the whole area the truck has been sitting for 2 years. That's to be expected after this long. But hopefully it will be gone by weeks end! I can hope even though I seriously have my doubts about it. I figure it'll be more like a month before anything actually moves. That's about how my dad works! LOL At least I know what to expect.

Otherwise my day has been way too busy and wayyyyyy toooooo boring. I haven't had anything fun happen all day. At least I got to talk to my mom today. That makes me feel better.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T17:53:00.002-04:00

As we celebrate Mother's Day I reflect on the last year and how much my children have meant to me. There have been a lot of changes in the last year....some good and some not so good. But in any event they are changes that I would not have missed for all the world. My boys have grown bigger and stronger by the day. They are healthy and happy children and I could not ask for more. As I now give them their baths for the night I realize how wonderful my day has been and I am thankful.

Kids, Kids, Kids

2009-05-02T10:20:00.003-04:00

Now that the weather is beginning to break I have the neighbor kids at my house ALL the time. It is rather interesting to watch Destiny and Devon and how they behave compared to my kids. They are nice children, but the two of them argue a lot. I guess that's because they are brother and sister. It is nice to have so many kids in the house though. And my boys are loving having Devon and Destiny to play with. It's really nice for me. I enjoy having lots of kids around. I always have. Our house has become play central for all the kids now. I love that. I would rather have my kids at home and playing than out in the neighborhood. At least this way I get to keep an eye on what is happening and who is bickering with who.

Otherwise, Bill's Social Security hearing is coming up and we have to be in Flint at 8:30 a.m. Thank God for my mom because she will be coming down to stay with the boys so we can go. I don't know what I would do without my mom helping me. I need to call her today too. I also have to call my cousin, Steph, in Texas. It's been awhile since I have talked to her. So far I am hoping the hearing goes as well as planned. I think all the new data will really help Bill's case a lot. That would really help us financially at this point. Maybe I would even get my new laptop comp! I really, really want that!I could do so much more with a laptop that I could carry with me whenever I have to sit and wait for Bill's appointments and such!

Life.....

2009-04-14T16:55:00.002-04:00

Well, life is tedious at this point. I have not had a relaxing day in a week. Everyday has been something else. I have rarely had a break. I am exhausted right now. Oh well, such is life with three children and a disabled husband. My hubby has had a lot of numbness in the last few days. That just scares me. I always wonder what is going to happen next with him. I worry about him constantly but if I hover over him he throws a fit. He hates it when I am constantly asking him how he is feeling or checking on him because he's having numbness.

In other fronts I am feeling well and the strep throat is out of the house finally. I have been nervous it would strike for round 3 but so far so good and it's been about a month. I am happy for that at least. Now if I could get a day to myself it would be perfect! I need a day without Bill or the kids. Maybe tomorrow Bill will stay in bed and I'll get the morning to myself. I could hope anyway. Otherwise it's running the kids to school and picking them up and spending the day talking with Bill. I also have to do all my housework and such in what little free time I get. I hate it. My free time I should get to relax for a change not work my butt off. No one else in the house works as hard as I do so why shouldn't I get a break to relax at least one or two days a week? I only get three hours with Brett at school anyway so why can't I spend that relaxing some days? I want to just do my own thing and enjoy myself. I doubt I will get a day like that this week though.

Lies....

2009-03-27T07:15:00.002-04:00

Well yesterday sucked! I found out my 14 year old boy has been lying to me for three weeks about going to Math Plus. Instead he has been hanging out with his friends. Then yesterday Math Plus was cancelled so he went to a school dance and in horse playing with Keegan he hurt Keegan and I was called to school to pick him up. Now my boy is in deep trouble here at home and is eternally pissed off because of it. Now no one is really getting along in the house. As part of his punishment for lying we cut his hair....it is butched. And it will stay that way as a reminder not to lie to me again. He will also have to write 7,000 times "I will not lie". 1,000 for every time he lied to me. I don't know what else to do with him. He's already grounded from his friends because of lying to us. Now we are trying this. I really hope it works. I think the biggest reason he lies to us is because my husband is so hard on him about everything. I don't care what it is my husband is rough on him. It really sucks because I can see this being a set up for my boy leaving as soon as he possibly can. I hate the entire situation. I sat and cried over this yesterday. It didn't seem to help my husband understand that he is causing this. My husband thinks it is just the way our son is. I really am getting disgruntled over all of this. Now my son is only allowed to go to school and come home. Nothing else in between. It sucks. I hate doing this to my child, but I know he needs a punishment to understand that he can't lie to us and get away with it.

In other news, my 6 year old got hit on the bus yesterday and got a bloody nose. I got called from school for that one too. All told yesterday totally sucked. I really hope today gets better.

Police tazer 15 year old and he dies

2009-03-24T12:47:00.002-04:00

This week takes the cake. A 15 year old kid was put in handcuffs for fighting and then tazered by police. When the boy stopped moving or breathing no one was allowed near the boy to perform CPR and the boy died on the floor. Of course the boy was not pronouced dead until reaching the hospital, but he had already been dead for at least 10 minutes say eye-witnesses. This case greatly disturbs me. It happened on Sunday and today the boy would have turned 16. That is not what so greatly disturbs me though. First I have a 14 year old boy which is on the big side and would be taken for much older than what he is. Second, this is the second time our city police have injured someone while in handcuffs. What is the point of shooting (as in the first incident) or tazering someone after they are in handcuffs? This is an atrochious act in my opinion. I would love to see the officers involved in prison with the same scum they put there in the first place. Both of these officers deserve nothing better than a prison cell. I am disgusted and disgruntled that these are the people who are supposed to be protecting my family and yet they kill a child. I hope for nothing more than them to be incarcerated just like the criminals they are. Murder charges are in order here. All the officers on the scene should be charged as they are all CPR trained and refused to even attempt to save this child's life. They also prevented other CPR trained family members from trying to save this child. That is unforgivable to me. I hope they are all jailed and the key thrown away.

Off to School.....

2009-03-19T15:17:00.002-04:00

Now I have all three boys in school. The youngest just started pre-school last week. He is loving it. I like that too. Now I actually have some free time to myself. So far in the two weeks I have had Brett in school I have yet to have one day all to myself. It's amazing how everyone thinks that my time is all thiers. Oh well. Maybe next week I will get my own time if Bill sleeps in at all, which he hasn't been doing lately. It drives me nuts! I should have my mornings all to myself, but no he has to get up and ruin it for me. I like the peace and quiet of everyone being gone or in bed. It is so nice. On Monday I thought I was going to get that because Bill was up all night long, but instead I had Roy home with an eye infection. It just sucks. Today I was supposed to get to go to Gypsy's and have coffee and relax, but of course, they didn't open until 10 today. That really irritated me. But then again I went shopping and when I went to the Cat's Meow Missy was there. She left as soon as she saw me. It really is pitiful that family has to act that way. I don't know Jody and Missy's problem is, but they need to wake up and smell the coffee. Bill's health is in the dumps and he isn't going to be here forever and Jody is missing out on having a brother because of his own stupidity.

Otherwise, things are going well enough. I'm really busy getting kids to and from school now, but that is ok too. At least they are all healthy and happy for the most part. Lately Roy is in a funk but I can't help that. That's just the way he is sometimes, especially when things aren't going well with Julie or she is being picked on. Then he really gets a bug up his butt. Oh to be 14 again and have that be my biggest problem. LOL I would love it. Problems seem to get bigger and bigger with age. He'll learn that soon enough. For now I am content with her being his biggest problem.

Cramps suck

2009-03-03T11:59:00.003-05:00

I have horrendous cramps today. This really sucks. I feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach. My lower back even hurts from it.

Otherwise I have gotten all my grocery shopping done and made a bunch of graphics for some friends. I've been having fun making the graphics at least. I'm also talking to my mom on the phone while I play. That's a normal thing though. Well, more later.

Tired of winter

2009-02-17T14:30:00.002-05:00

Once again today we are supposed to be getting yet another snow storm tonight. I am so sick of snow storms it isn't even funny. As far as I'm concerned the snow can leave for the year now. I've had it. I hate driving in the stuff and I hate having to snow shovel. It just is a time consuming bore. On top of the snow storm I have to deliver my dog to animal control so that tomorrow she can be spayed. I know that this is going to turn into a big pain in the neck due to the weather. I know she needs to be spayed, but I really wish it were being done in nicer weather than what we have coming at us.

My oldest son is coming home late from school today because he is getting extra help in his math class. It's about time too. He is always struggling with this class. He does the work the best he can but he really doesn't understand it. It's all algebra now so he is just lost. I looked at his work and even with a college degree it doesn't make sense the way that they are having him do it. There is a lot easier ways of doing algebra. These stupid long equations that don't have any real rhyme or reason to them are ridiculous. I really hate that he is stuggling so badly in this class. He is doing fairly well and understanding his other classes so why must this be soooo hard for him? It is terrible for a parent to see thier child struggle with something like this.

I have officially finished all of my homework for the week. Both Magical Herbology and Numerology are completed and turned in. That is usually my worst part....getting it turned in. I procrastinate about typing it all into the website. LOL KInd of stupid since it really doesn't take me that long to accomplish. Oh well. At least I have it done early this week so I don't have to push myself to do it this weekend.

Ahhh....mornings

2009-02-13T07:44:00.002-05:00

This morning I have my Billy home again today. He is still sick. That is another three days of school missed. He better be all right by next Monday. I really hate him missing so much school. But I can't help that other parents send their kids to school sick and then he catches it. This is his third time this school year of being really sick. The last one was strep throat......that was really bad and it was only about a month ago. This just sucks.

In other business the morning is going beautifully. Bill just went back to bed. He was up until 3:30 this morning and got up to tell me that Billy isn't going to school again today. Well duh. While he was up he had two cups of coffee and talked for awhile. Now he's back in bed until 10:30 when he has to get up for an appointment. That is life. He has to keep his appointments the same as I do. Such is life.

Otherwise I am not doing much of anything today. I'm tired of trying to keep my house cleaned up with two tons of toys everywhere and Bill won't let me go through the toys and get rid of some of them. It is really disturbing that they have so many toys. They have everything from Roy being little on up to everything the grandparents have been giving them lately which is a lot. At least in my opinion there is way too many toys in our house. It disgusts me. But Bill says it is their stuff so don't get rid of anything. He even lets them keep broken toys. That is just crazy in my opinion. There is an entire corner of a room packed with toys and more upstairs. They strew them throughout the entire house and I'm supposed to just live with it. It is really disturbing to me.

My youngest is 4 today.....

2009-02-09T06:26:00.002-05:00

Today my youngest son turns 4. I feel old now. He just shouldn't be that big yet. I feel like he should still be a baby. Now I have boys that are 14, 6 and 4. Ugh.... I'm not looking forward to my babies growing up. As it is my oldest wants to start going out with girls. Dating is not a good thing to me. Not yet. I'm just not looking forward to that whole experience. I need more time, but the boys are growing soooo fast I'm not going to get that time. They are ready for things I just am not ready for yet. I think every mom reaches a point like this at some time in her children's lives. We all stop and think that they are getting big too fast or they are ready for things that we are by no means ready for. So is the life of a mother.

In other news, Australia is having horrible wild fires and are now calling it an arson. I am just very happy that my Aussie friends are not in the middle of this mess. Over 130 lives have been lost in this terrible tradgedy. I hate hearing of lives lost to something someone actually started. It was bad enough when it was believed to be just a forrest fire, but now to think that someone did this on purpose just sickens me. It is just soooo sad. My blessings go out to those who are dealing with this terrible tradgedy.

Some days suck and some rock....

2009-02-05T13:43:00.004-05:00

Lately I've been in a slump. I just can't seem to get motivated to do everything I need to do. It all seems so tedious lately. I know that for me this is just the winter blahs. I get like this every year. It really sucks. Yet on other days when I am busting my butt and getting everything done I feel great. I feel great right now because all my homework is done and turned in already for the week. It isn't due until Sunday and I had it done last night. That makes me feel really good. Unfortunatley my house is going to hell in a hand basket. I'm freezing constantly which makes me want to curl up with a warm blanket....not run around the house vacuuming. I feel lazy and useless. I need to get some motivation and get this house in shape and start feeling good about myself again. I know as soon as the weather breaks a bit and it gets a little warmer I will go nuts getting everything back in order. That is common for me this time of the year. I know what is happening but it still doesn't make me happy. I want to be warm and working again. The colder it is the less I seem to get done. I think my homework is done because I can sit wrapped in a blanket and do that....which is exactly how it got done. LOL I'm just too cold all of the time lately. I can't seem to get warm even in a hot shower or bath. The one time I did feel warm I got a ton of stuff done around here.

Oh well. Enough wallowing in self pity. I need to get up and go play with my youngest for awhile before everyone gets home and my time is all tied up again. I know that the boys prefer me spending some time with them each night so I have to work at making sure I do that for them.

Football........

2009-02-02T08:18:00.002-05:00

So Superbowl Sunday is over and the Steelers won. Like there was any doubt from a Steelers fan. The game was amazing. I couldn't believe the 100 yard touchdown return. That was just too sweet. I loved watching the game....at least as much as I could with the boys getting into everything while I tried to watch. It was a great game after all was said and done. I'm really glad I got to see what I did of the game.

In other business I have to get our taxes done ASAP so we can pay the house taxes and not go into forfiture. That royally sucks. I knew it would be coming, but talking to Bill about it is like talking to a brick. He swears he didn't know anything about it and so on. That's total BS because I have told him for six years running that we are a year behind and they only let you go a year behind now. He's heard it all before but when it comes down to it he goes into denial. I hate that about him. It's always my fault and I didn't tell him. That is BS from the word go.

I am also tediously working on Bill's disability claim. I need to get the right documents in to the Social Security office for the doctor information and I can't afford to pay for it so I have to get in touch with the woman in the office and have them request all the doctors' paperwork. It is really crazy. I hate dealing with everything by myself. It really becomes too stressful at times. I just wish Bill could understand that. He seems to think that I should be happy about doing all of this stuff and working my butt off just to get someone to call me back. I really hate it.

Birthdays....

2009-01-25T07:58:00.002-05:00

Today is my 37th birhtday. My darling hubby made breakfast for me and had it all ready when he woke me up at 6:15 this morning. Other than the fact I would have loved to sleep in it was a wonderful start to my day. I was really surprised! It was a nice birthday treat!

Otherwise I am taking the day to reflect on what I have done in the last year and what I want to do in the coming year. I find my birthday is a better time to reflect than the first of the year because I am still in the throws of all the holiday chaos. So today is my day to reflect and relax.

My best birthday present so far was my dog. My hubby got her for me on Dec. 29th but she was actually for my birthday. I love her unbelievably. She is so sweet and loving to me and very loyal to me. I feel blessed to have her as my pet. I think God planned on me having this dog as I was supposed to get a different dog that same morning and she was taken by someone else. Two hours later I got a call to come and see this little lady and we have been best of friends ever since.

Rashes....

2009-01-24T10:00:00.002-05:00

Now my 3 year old has a major yeast infection. The rash on his privates is horrible. I am currently thinking of taking him to the ER for a recheck as it seems to be getting worse even with the medication. Right now I have him running around naked and trying to dry everything. Hopefully I will get him over this very soon. I am going to try a couple of things I think might work and see if I can help him get through this.

Otherwise I have strep throat running rampant in my house. Three out of five of us have strep. Unfortunately I am one of them with strep. That means I am exhausted and still caring for everyone else. Oh well. A mom's work is never done and I am blessed to have them all.

Day 6 of being sick

2009-01-20T07:08:00.004-05:00

This thing just won't leave. I still have a horrible sore throat and ear. It just sucks. I can't believe I haven't gotten over this yet. I am the strong one in the house so I don't know why I still have this unless it's because I have kept doing everything even though I am so sick.

Anyway, Roy didn't end up going with Julie they had the one date and that was it. I feel bad for him because he really thought he would end up with her this time. His dad thinks she may be too cute for him. I doubt that though. She's cute, but not that cute IMHO.

I'm gonna keep this post short and sweet becuase I feel like crap and want to go lay down again.

2009-01-16T07:33:00.002-05:00

I am soooo sick now. I have been up since 2 a.m. with my youngest being sick. I have a sore throat and ear along with a nasty fever. I just wish I would get over this cold and that all my kids would get over it too.

Tonight is Roy's first date. He is going out with Julie finally. He has wanted to go out with her since the first week of school. Now they are going together for the kids night out at school. He is really looking forward to it. He refused to ask his dad if he could go and finally I brought it up and dad said yes. He was so afraid that his dad would say no he couldn't go that he was depressed for three days over it. Dad's even giving him the money to go. I told him he just needed to talk to his dad in a nice way. He just thinks his dad is so mean. He was ready to run away from home to go to this thing with Julie it meant so much to him, but he wouldn't ask his dad. I find that disturbing. I know now that as soon as Roy is old enough he will be out of this house with out any choice from me.

Otherwise I am excited for Roy to be going on his first real date. He's 14 now so I guess I should have expected it to come soon.

Illnesses....

2009-01-14T07:59:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately Billy has been sick since last Thursday. Now last night Brett came down with the same thing. This is just terrible. I have both the little boys sick at one time now. I don't know if I can keep going with very limited sleep and still avoid getting sick myself. I am hoping I get over whatever is bothering me very soon as it seems to be just allergies.

I have also decided that I need to start working on my abs now. My butt and thighs are falling into place really well so now it is time to work on the tummy. I have to go and get out the ab bench from upstairs to work those muscules but it will be worth it in the end. I can't wait to get this extra weight off. I need to lose like 45 more pounds to be happy with myself. I'm sure I can do it too.

Well with the kids being sick that's all for today.

Snow

2009-01-13T09:13:00.002-05:00

Once again we are getting hit with a huge snow storm. Unfortunately they didn't cancel school because of it and my oldest had to go. My other boy is sick so he obviously isn't going out in this weather. I even had to cancel my dog's vet appointment with the weather so bad. I just won't drive when the weather gets like this. There is no point in endangering everyone just to get out of the house for a while on a day like today.

Otherwise....I am getting sick just like Billy. Jean is sick again too after coming over here. I think she caught what Billy has because she is throwing up and has a fever. It really sucks. Everyone is getting this crap. I feel like living hell right now. But Bill stayed up all night to keep an eye on Billy and now he is in bed so that stops me from being able to rest. I have to stay up and care for the boys. So that is life.

Blogs

2009-01-11T09:16:00.002-05:00

I have decided that I need a witches blog as well as my normal blog. This blog will be for witching information only and will focus on the things I am currently attempting to do. As I do not follow the Wiccan path it will be an ecclectic mix of things that I find to be useful in daily life. As a natural witch I follow God but I also closely follow nature. Nature is where I worship and where I believe my strongest spiritual connection lies. To me nature is everything around us. It is our living environment, the great outdoors, our pets and everything we come in contact with. For without these things we could not survive. What would we do it there were suddenly no more trees in the world? How about grass? These are all things that one must appreciate to understand nature. I even work at understanding my pets as a part of nature. Animals provide us much comfort and calming as well as making us get up and exercise with them. This is all a good thing.

Otherwise this blog will continue to be about my life and what is going on in my life. The other blog will be for the craft. If anyone chooses to check it out you can see it at "Lady Bella". In my daily life things are going well. I am finally getting somewhere with Bill's social security. Hopefully we will have his disabilty within a few months now. I am praying on this daily now as it will mean the difference between keeping our house and losing it. This is a major issue in our daily lives right now. But it is a good thing that progress is being made.

Our new dog has been with us for 13 days today. My lucky number. She is doing wonderfully and is such a loving dog. She is smaller than any dog I have ever owned but she is definatly a big dog in a small package. She thinks she's as big as a great dane in her mannerisms and protection. I just love her. Tuesday she will go for her rabies shots and her first check up. I'm sure she will do just fine. She is very friendly so I doubt the vet will have any problem with her. I'm more nervous about it than anyone is. She doesn't even realize it's going to happen, but I feel bad for her having to get a shot.

Fitting in....

2009-01-06T06:20:00.002-05:00

The new dog is fitting into our lives wonderfully. I can't believe she's only been here 8 days. It seems like she's been here forever she just works so well into our lives. She is sweet and loving even with the kids unless they scare her. Then she runs to mommy to save her. It is really cute to watch her play with the boys. She loves to play fetch and tug of war. I feel really lucky to have found her.

Otherwise I am working on taking down the Christmas decorations. They need to come down now. I have had the tree down since three days after Christmas so now it's time for the rest of the decorations to go. I just haven't felt like doing this as of yet. I have a lot to put away so maybe that's why I'm not so eager to do it.

2008-12-31T22:54:00.000-05:00

Just a picture of my new dog.

Farewell 2008...

2008-12-31T22:40:00.002-05:00

As this year comes to an end it is a time to reflect on all the things that have happened. I feel blessed that my family is still together and other than my DH is healthy. It has been a rough year to get through without Bill working or getting his disability. We were afraid we would lose the house which is still possible if Bill doesn't get his disability this year. I really hope this works out. If not I will be forced to go back to work to save the house. Unfortunately that could jeoprodize my disability. I just don't know what to do. In reflection I guess I should make Bill get the job, but with his health there is no way he could keep up now.

The new dog is fitting in extremely well into our household. I love her. She goes everywhere I go and won't let me move without following me. It is really sweet. I took a nap today and she had to lay down with me. It was really nice to have her cuddle up to me. I love how cuddly she is with me. She isn't so cuddly with the rest of the family but that is okay because she is my dog. I expect her to be closer to me than to anyone in the house.

I'm drinking my first mixed drink in about 6 years tonight for New Year's. I just started early! LOL It tastes really good too. Although I think it is giving me a headache. That isn't so good. I guess it just proves I am not one to drink. I have never been a big drinker since having kids anyway but before that I could out drink almost everyone I knew. Oh well, times change and life changes us as we travel through it.

Hopefully 2009 comes as a better year than 2008 has left us.

A new dog

2008-12-30T09:48:00.002-05:00

Well I went and looked at the other Jack Russell Terrier and fell in love. She is beautiful and sweet but the people just didn't want to fix her or have more puppies so they gave her up. I count myself lucky that they choose to give her up that day becasue otherwise Animal Control wouldn't have called me about her. Now if I can just get her and the cat to be friends I'll have it made. Right now they are at the stand off point. The cat doesn't like the dog and the dog is curious about the cat. At least the dog is not vicious toward the cat. That is a really good thing in my opinion. Maybe she was around other cats before from the way she acts. I think the two would make great friends in time.

Otherwise my hubby won't let me tell my mom where the dog came from . He insists on telling her that the dog was given to us. I think that is nuts. She even sits on my lap while I type. She just wants to be loved. I like that about her.

My oldest boy still has to come home and meet the dog. He won't be here until Wednesday. That sucks but I can't help that. I just hope he likes the dog.

2008-12-29T11:56:00.002-05:00

Well, I didn't get my dog. I got a call though that they have another jack russel there now. It was owner surrendered after having babies. She is only 8 weeks out from giving birth so I really don't know. I may try to get Bill to go and take a look at her later or tomorrow. I just don't know yet.

Otherwise I still have to go to my therapist today. That should be fun. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks. This should be really interesting. I wish Bill would have slept last night so that he could stay up with the boys while I go, but instead he stayed up all night and now he's sleeping for the day. Hopefully he will be up early enough to go and see the other dog. I don't know though.

Blah.....

2008-12-27T16:22:00.002-05:00

My oldest is leaving tonight and won't be back until Wednesday which is a really long time for me. Otherwise I have alot going on. I have to check on getting my dog on Monday and I have a therapist appointment that day. I'm supposed to have another appointment on Monday but I am going to cancel that because I just have too much happening that day. Tuesday I have to take Bill to his doctor appointment. Our couch and chair are being delivered on Tuesday too. Just too much happening for me. Bill's CT scan is Tuesday as well. Just too much happening....way too much!

Christmas is over....

2008-12-26T08:39:00.002-05:00

Well now that it's over the stress is gone. I can't believe that everything is over already. Weeks of preparations and time and in one day it is over. We had a fabulous Christmas though. Everyone got what they really wanted. I ogt two Tinkerbell sweat shirts, a pair of sweat pants, a Tinkerbell purse, Tinkerbell pajamas, a cell phone, a Michigan pillow and a Beyonce CD. It was really nice. I also got my Witches' Datebook. I love that book. I'm even listening to Beyonce right now.

My kids got all that they really wanted and a few things they really didn't want like clothes. My dear hubby got socks, candles, a new mouse, a Zippo lighter, bear jammie pants, t-shirts, a new jacket. Altogether it was a great Christmas. We had a great time. My mom, dad and grandpa came down for Christmas dinner and that was wonderful. Mom is the one that got me the cell phone. She knows I have been wanting one for a long time. She also gave me a Tinkerbell stocking. I love it. It is so pretty. This was definately a Tinkerbell year for me. Now I get to wear Tink all the time. It was really a great day!

Now today I have a new couch and chair coming. They should be delivered between 9 and 12. I'm just waiting for it. I'm excited because I haven't even seen them yet. I'm hoping that they will help get them into the house. Otherwise I have to get Bill up and try to get him to go out and do it. That isn't good either though. He could easily have problems from doing that.

Christmas Eve....

2008-12-24T09:42:00.002-05:00

Well it's now Christmas Eve. I have a ton of work to do today to be ready for tomorrow. So far today I have cleaned my bathroom and dining room, done laundry, and cleaned new snow off my steps. I still have to frost cookies, vacuum and do my dishes. Too much for one person for one day. I'll probably have my hubby vacuum.

Otherwise I am now really looking forward to Christmas. Not the work that goes into it but Christmas itself. I got all my shopping done on Monday and now I have to wrap it all. Yeah for me. I hate wrapping two tons of stuff in one night. That is life though. The kids will have a great day tomorrow. That I can promise! I'm finally in the full Christmas spirit!

Australia

2008-12-22T11:09:00.002-05:00

I just got the most beautiful calendar from Tanya in Australia! I just love it. It came with a beautiful Christmas card. I get to go Christmas shopping later today. Then I stopped after an appointment today and saw the dog my name is on. She is so sweet. I really hope to get her. If I don't though I am prepared for that.

Depression

2008-12-21T09:12:00.003-05:00

I am now starting to get depressed. I baked 4 batches of chocolate chip cookies yesterday and just before baking and of course after I had preheated the oven I discovered a plastic toy in my oven. I had to shut everything off and clean up the huge mess before I could bake. Then my boys went outside to play to hopefully give me some time to bake and next thing I know they are coming back in whining because snow got down their shirts in a snowball fight. It took me over 3 hours to bake cookies that should have taken an hour and a half.

Now I am looking at four shopping days left until Christmas and I still haven't been able to go shopping for one gift. It is so depressing. I really pray that my mom comes down tomorrow and I get to go do all the Christmas shopping. If not I don't know what I am going to do. I will have to start and finish all my shopping in one day. That is tough.

I'm just getting so depressed with the whole holiday season right now. I don't even want to deal with Christmas right now. I just wish it were over and I could move on to the new year.

Christmas

2008-12-20T10:26:00.002-05:00

Christmas is now 5 days away and I have done no shopping yet. My mom is supposed to come down on Monday so I can go shopping with Bill. I really pray she makes it. If not our Christmas is screwed. I don't know what we will do then. I have to bake cookies this weekend. I also want to play D&D for a while today. I'm hoping the hubby will play today. I need to get to some things done.

Otherwise things are happy and safe.

Tomorrow I will officially have a 14 year-old

2008-12-18T12:59:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow my Roy turns 14. I am so not happy about this. I want him to stay young and be my little boy, but that can't happen. I baked a cake for the two boys for thier joint birthday party tomorrow. I have several appointments in the morning to deal with and then I can come home and set up the party for my boys. Unfortunately it is supposed to be snowing really bad tomorrow morning. I hope the worst of it is overnight and not while I have to be out on the roads. I get soooo paranoid driving in bad weather.

Next on my list is Christmas cookies which I will start this weekend. Hopefully I'll have all my cookies baked on Saturday which includes sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies and peanut butter cookies. That should be enough to keep me busy all day long. Which means Bill and Roy will have to help with the two little ones that day. I can't get everything done and have them constantly under foot. Granted there are some things that they help with but definately not everything. Since my kitchen is small I have to shoo them out when I am pulling cookie sheets from the oven. I wish I had my kitchen the way I want it and then I would never have to worry about them when I bake. Oh well....that just isn't in the budget yet. Hopefully someday I will get the kitchen I want.

Bill took me to the dog pound yesterday and I found the most adorable jack russel terrier mix. She is a total lover. I am hoping to get her, but she won't be released until December 29th. Bill said if no one else shows up for her I can have her. I really pray that no one will show up and I will get her. She is just so wonderful and I love her disposition. She is 4 months old and really cuddly. That is just the kind of dog I want. It's better than Bill's idea for a dog. But even he liked her. She was really sweet to both of us.

Sons 6th birthday!

2008-12-14T08:44:00.002-05:00

Today my Billy turns 6. He is such a sweet, loving little boy. Of all three boys he is the one with the least attitude and the most smiles and happiness. I am so proud of my little guy. He is getting so big, so fast now. We will do a party for Billy and Roy next Friday after school. That way I can make it a surprise for Billy at least. Roy already knows about it. It's really hard to keep a surprise from him at 14. Besides the house will be decorated for him when he comes home and he is here 1 1/2 hours before Billy from school. That is also their last day before Christmas break. I just think it's a good day to have thier party.

Otherwise today is a laundry day. I have to get the clothes washed for school next week. It really doesn't take that long to do the laundry. I'm already on the second load and it's only 9 a.m. My dishes will wait until the laundry is done or possibly until tomorrow but that is ok. I need the water for the washer and the plug in for the dishwasher is the same one the washer plugs into. It's kind of a pain in the neck but it works at least. I also have to prepare the schedule for the next week today. That is my Sunday job every week. I make sure all appointments are accounted for and nothing gets missed on Sunday. Then the rest of the week goes smoother. I'll finish any paperwork I have to do today too.

My mom is coming down today....hopefully so that I can go through some clothes and maybe go do some Christmas shopping. I am hoping to do the Christmas shopping today. That would be nice to get that done or at least started. Somethings just don't work out the way we want them too. I look forward to my mom and I going and doing something together anyways. We never get to go out and do anything fun. Shopping is something we love to do together. So I hope we go today. It would be great fun.

Bored morning......

2008-12-13T07:39:00.002-05:00

Well I have done the HHC, Facebook and CafeMom already this morning and now I'm bored. I have a little while yet before I can vacuum. My dishes are done. I'm at that time of day where I just don't have much to do. It feels good to know that everything that needs doing is done. I have a few toys to pick up later but that is never ending with little ones in the house. I guess I could sit and make cigarettes for us. That would be a useful use of my time. We're back to making our own because it is so much cheaper. I can get the cost down to 60 cents a pack. That is worth making my own. It may take some time but the cost savings is worth it.

I still have to go and do all of my Christmas shopping. I haven't done a thing yet. My mom and I are going to go and do some of it. It will be fun that way.

Snow Day....

2008-12-09T07:27:00.004-05:00

So today the kids get a snow day. We already have four inches with another 6 expected. I just can't believe that they actually closed the schools. Our schools usually run no matter what. Today the kids will get to go outside and play and have fun for the day. This should make them very happy with all the new snow on the ground. I have to get pictures for Tanya to see too. It is so pretty with everything covered in white. Some of the snow is supposed to come during the day today so that would be the perfect time for pictures. Maybe I'll even get dressed up and go out to play in the snow with the boys today. Not sure on that one yet.

Sunday we finished our Christmas tree and took pictures of the kids in front of it. It is really pretty but kind of messy this year as we had the youngest helping put on ornaments. It is still pretty though. I had to rearrange a little after everyone was in bed but that's ok too.

Weather

2008-12-06T08:50:00.003-05:00

So today it decided to snow and I mean really hard snow. I'm supposed to go out and get prescriptions today but I am seriously debating staying home. I don't trust driving in this weather. Not that I can't handle it but other people drive like idiots! I just don't know yet if I am going to try to go out in it or just stay home and make potato soup. I'm just not deciding on this issue very well. I know I need the meds, but is it worth the risk? I'm just not sure. Maybe I'll see if the van doors are frozen shut and decide by that. I know getting the kids in the van with the side doors frozen is a real pain in the neck. Otherwise I am content to sit quietly and watch the beautiful snowfall.

I am wondering at this point if sweet Tanya is ever going to send me a letter as we are supposed to be penpals. I wrote a letter and I have never gotten anything back. I just wonder if she doesn't want to be my penpal or what. It makes me wonder since it has been months since I wrote her.

Wiccan VS Christian

2008-12-03T07:57:00.002-05:00

I personally am Wiccan although the god I choose to follow is Jesus Christ. This tends to be a little contradictory during the holidays. I realize that Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ but I still prefer to celebrate Yule while I provide a wonderful Christmas for the rest of my family becuause my husband follows Biblism. I believe in the Bible and all it's holdings, but I also believe in nature and all it's changes and seasons. It is really a difficult following. I am truly a Green Witch which combines both Christianity and Wicca. This is difficult for my husband to come to terms with. He doesn't understand my need to follow the seasons vs the normal holidays at Christmas time. I believe that we should each follow our own religion in our own ways. That is how I have come to terms with handling the holidays. It isn't the most fun way of doing things especially when I celebrate my holiday on December 22 or 23 and everyone else in the house celebrates on the 25th. I have to have two holiday celebrations within days of eachother. I have done this since I found my calling two years ago. I will admit I don't do huge celebrations and ceremonies for my beliefs but I still celebrate them.

I have recently met other Wiccans that I feel very comfortable with and understand thier ways very well. They are all understated in what they do to follow thier beliefs and generally just keep it to themselves. I can now understand why. I have recently been exposed to a controversy based on believing or not believing in Santa Claus which was a direct result of someone being Wiccan instead of Christian. Most Wiccans are not viewed so nicely by others at the holiday season. We are not looked at fondly because we don't believe in the same things as others and it is generally something that hurts our feelings. We accept all others for what they are and what they believe but it seems some Christians are not willing to accept others for their beliefs especially during the Christmas season. This is sad to us as we believe that all people are allowed to believe as they choose and to be non-judgemental in our thinking of others. We accept all people as they are and choose no sides in a person's personal beliefs so why can we not be accepted the same way?

Traditions.....

2008-12-02T07:22:00.003-05:00

This time of year we all march along with our normal family traditions, but do we actually stop to think about that tradition? Today I want to look closer at my family traditions and what they all mean to us. Every year we buy our boys one new Christmas ornament and have done this since the birth of our first child. Each one has their own First Christmas ornament. All of these will be passed on to each child when they grow up and have a family of thier own. Maybe they will even carry on this tradition with thier own children.

Every year we do a huge Christmas dinner for my mom, dad and grandpa. It is always a special time. We get to see our family on Christmas day and the boys get to stay home and play with all thier new toys. It really is a great day.

Every year we put up the Christmas tree together. I do the actual assembly of the tree and then my hubby hands out ornaments for everyone to put on the tree. After the tree is all done we sit the boys in front of it and take pictures. It really is a beautiful tradition. I have pictures of every tree we have had since we moved into our house. I may not be able to find them all right now, but I know I have them. That's what counts.

I know that there are traditions that I am forgetting, but I also know that we will have a good Christmas even though we don't have a lot of money this year.

Stupid People....

2008-12-01T06:49:00.002-05:00

Some days some people are so stupid. Our school superintendant didn't close school today with 4 inches on the ground and at least 2 more expected. Every school district around us is closed but not ours. I am so pissed right now. This woman should be replaced because it is obvious she values her job more than the lives of our children. She has no reason not to have closed the schools today. Our roads aren't even plowed yet. This is just nuts.

Last night my kids and I went to Wal-Mart before the snow started and my oldest spent all of his money getting CD's. He did get some really good ones though. I'm proud of him because he bought one for a girl at school. He wanted something special for her for Christmas because he really likes this girl. I was surprised he thought so much of her that he went and bought her something for Christmas. He has never done that before. It tells me just how much he likes her. I finally got to meet her and she is so cute and really nice. The rest of the CD's he got for him and I. I downloaded them to my comp and then handed them to him.

Weight

2008-11-30T07:18:00.002-05:00

Well on Friday I went to the doctor with my DH. Just to see I weighed myself while I was there. I went from 208 to 197. I am so proud I finally broke the 200 pound mark. My hope is by Christmas to break the 190 mark and then by my birthday on January 25th to break the 180 mark. I know I can do this because I've done it in the past. I just have to work hard and stay on track with my eating. My eating has been the hardest part. I sometimes crave junk food like chips and that makes it really hard. I love salty food so I have taken to munching on pretzels as a low fat, low calorie alternative. It is really helping too.

My mom and my son went Christmas shopping for all of us yesterday and my son told me everything he got me. I love every last present he chose. I have a Michigan pillow, Tinkerbell pajamas, and the new Tinkerbell movie. I also know my mom got me an MP3 player. So I am really excited for Christmas. I love getting all these goodies. I know it isn't fair for me to know ahead of time what I am getting, but it makes me so excited for Christmas. I also know that he bought his dad t-shirts, bear pajama bottoms, and a bear Zippo lighter. His dad is going to love it. He also bought presents for his little brothers. So I think everyone is going to be really happy. It's exciting this time of year. I can't wait to get my Christmas tree up. That will be either next weekend or tomorrow. If the kids get a snow day tomorrow then it will definately go up then. I love to decorate the tree when it's snowing. It's just such an awesome time to do it.

Best Thanksgiving Yet

2008-11-28T08:10:00.002-05:00

We had the best Thanksgiving ever yesterday. My mom, dad and grandpa got here in time for us to finish making dinner together. We had fun. My mom was dressed to the nines yesterday too. I haven't seen her dress up like that in ages. She looked fabulous. I dressed up for the holiday too. So the two of us looked great! We had coleslaw, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, olives, sweet potatoes, cranberries, turkey and goose. It was awesome! My kids ate and ate which is a little unusual for the two little ones. Everyone was stuffed after dinner, but they still made room for homemade apple and pumpkin pies. LOL It was a great day.

Now today to make up for it I need to do my Buns of Steel and Abs of Steel. I can't let all my hard work losing weight go out the window just because of a holiday. I have worked so hard to lose as much weight as possible so now I really feel guilty about eating so much yesterday. I will make up for it though. That is a promise I have to keep to myself. It's hard work, but it is worth it. I can feel the difference in my body already and I've only been doing it for about 3 weeks. My hubby is impressed at the change as well. He really likes it. It won't be long and I'll be back to my desired weight of 160 as long as I keep working for it.

Thanksgiving is here

2008-11-27T08:59:00.002-05:00

Today is Thanksgiving. What a wonderful day. I have so much to be thankful for. My hubby is getting tests to try to find out what is wrong with him. My kids are all healthy. My family is coming for dinner. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I have a great family. My kids are doing ok in school (it could be better). I have a nice vehicle for the first time in my life. I have a loving husband. I am losing the weight I gained last year. There is just so much to be happy about. It is a good day for Thanksgiving too. Snow on the ground but not snowing to make the roads dangerous. It's a beautiful day.

I already have my pies baked (I had to bake them while cleaning a deer yesterday). My turkey is in the roaster. I have to make stuffing, rolls and potatoes yet but that isn't much to do. I have to cook the goose yet too. I forgot that. My MIL brought us some goose and my hubby wants it for Thanksgiving. My mom is bringing cole slaw, cranberries and sweet potatoes. It will be a great dinner. My mom and I will finally get to do a lot of it together. I can't wait. We haven't dome a big meal together in years as far as cooking it. Usually I cook the dinner and they just come to eat which is fine too because my mom had to work but this year she isn't working. Yeah! We get to do this together this year. I am just so excited!

Preparing....

2008-11-26T08:04:00.002-05:00

Today I have to bake 2 pumpkin pies and an apple pie. I have to thaw my turkey. I have to make sure all my serving dishes are cleaned. Yeah.....I've got plenty to do but it makes me happy doing it. It means a very busy day for a very special occassion. I just love the holidays. My mom is bringing cole slaw and cranberries and I get to do the rest of the dinner. I don't know what time they will be here yet so I have to check on that. I don't know if my dad is going out deer hunting in the morning before coming down so that will make a huge difference in our time. I'll have to check with mom today. That's ok though I can adjust the time pretty easily to suit her. I just can't wait. I'm so excited.

Otherwise I need to remember to take my meds today. I forgot them yesterday which is probably why I am so hyper today. Of course being hyper isn't a bad thing when I have so much to do. It'll do me some good and maybe along the way I'll drop a couple of pounds.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T10:15:00.003-05:00

Well today I got everything ready for Thanksgiving. I have my cleaning done other than vacuuming the floors. I have all my dishes cleaned for the table that day. All is prepared for Thanksgiving day.

Today my MIL is taking my van to get an oil change. I'll be going with her so I can't make a long post today. Hopefully everything will go fine.

Christmas

2008-11-21T10:12:00.002-05:00

All my Christmas cards are ready to go now. The house is decorated. Now this weekend I can put up the tree and everything will be good. I am so looking forward to decorating it with the boys. I think it will be fun.

I've gotten all my chores done for today so the rest of the day is mine except for making dinner. That I can handle easily though. I don't know what to do with myself today. I know I will go in and watch a movie with Brett but beyond that I just don't know. I should go in and do a workout with the extra time I have. I don't know if I will though.....my stomach is still killing me from two days ago. We'll see. I know I plan on eating healthy and drinking lots of water today to help with my diet. I guess we'll see how the rest of the day will go.

My sister and my mom

2008-11-20T12:17:00.002-05:00

In 1968 my sister died violently at 4 months old. She was thrown on a couch and watched as she bounced on the floor repeated by my biological father. This bastard of a man knocked my mother unconcious when she tried to stop him and from there no one knows what he did to my sister. The final outcome was that when my mom came to my sister was dead and propped up sitting on the couch. My mom has never gotten over the trauma of all of this. She still gets horribly depressed every July which is when my sister was born and again every November which is when my sister died.

Unfortunately this year my mom is taking this out on me. I can't afford to drive to her house to be with her so she is telling me I don't care about her and she wishes she was dead and so on. I just don't know what to do. I call her every day sometimes as much as three times in a day. I just can't be there for her the way she wants me to. Add to that the fact that my aunt got really nasty with her about picking up my grandma again and things are not going well. I really wish my aunt would keep her damn mouth shut this time of the year. She knows what my mom is going through and all she cares about is getting my grandma out of the house so she can go do whatever she wants to do. Granted it is a lot to have to take care of my grandma 24/7 but my mom is also going through a lot right now. I jsut wish my mom would go and get some therapy and try to work through this instead of letting it control her every year.

I have had to deal with this every year of my life even as a young child. I understand her being upset, but she could get help or at least talk to me instead of shutting me out because I am not coming to her house. She needs more help than I can give her to be honest but I try to be supportive and loving even though she tells me I don't care about her. I just don't know what else to do for her.

Weight loss...

2008-11-20T09:42:00.003-05:00

I have been trying really hard to lose weight. Finally my DH says to me that my butt and thighs are getting smaller. Yayyyyy! If it is enough for him to notice that is a really good thing. That means all my working out and eating right are doing the job they are supposed to do. I still need to work on eating breakfast but my stomach just turns at food that early. I'm really not that into food lately anyway. I haven't been craving the junk food or the pop that I gave up. When I did crave a pop I got a Diet Coke instead of my normal Mountain Dew which for me is a huge step! I still have my morning coffee but I don't put the same amount of sugar in it anymore.....I use less than half what I did before. That's another huge step for me because I like my coffee with cream and sugar. Now if I could cut out the cream I would really save on those calories. Ohh well....one step at a time. Eventually I will be drinking it black like my mom and will lose even more weight.

As for right now I am focusing on decorating the house for the holidays. I want to put my tree up this weekend so that it is up for Thanksgiving with all the family here. I really look forward to having my mom, dad and grandpa here for Thanksgiving even though we can't use the dining room this year. Oh well on that one too. I just don't have the time to decorate and get the dining room in shape for the holidays. Since I am allergic to real pine my fake wreaths are all ready on the doors and my window clings are already up. I need to get my nativity down here and then get the rest of the living room and kitchen decorations down here. The house will look lively and beautiful for Thanksgiving! I can't wait! I've been working on it a little bit every day and already have the decorations up in the dining room. I'm getting there slowly but surely.

DH and U of M.

2008-11-18T07:12:00.003-05:00

Well we spent several hours at U of M with no more answers than we had before we left. We have a bunch more tests to get him in for now. Hopefully the doctors will find something out from the tests. It still means that Bill's disability can't go through yet as they have nothing to base it on. I really need something to come through soon so we don't lose our house. On my income we just can't afford to keep the house....period. And unfortunately our second option is a cabin up north that my mom is selling now. So if we lose the house after she sells the cabin we will have no where to go.

This whole thing is just really distressing to me. I need something positive to happen and happen soon. I just can't keep going with all negativity and no up side.

On a personal note I hated the whole day at U of M. My mom was home with my kids and I was stressing out that they were ok all day since my youngest (3) has never been away from me that long. I was nervous about the way the guy drove all the way there and back (we had a taxi through our medical insurance). The guy drove 70 miles an hour through heavy snow and scared me half out of my wits. It was a terrible trip to find out absolutely nothing. That just sucked.

Dead Stops

2008-11-16T11:00:00.002-05:00

I have effectively become unable to do my laundry, run my dishwasher or vacuum because the door to that room will not open. Now I'm not sure what to do. I know I have a ton of dishes to get done, but I can't get to my stuff to do them. So instead I have gotten all the paperwork together for tomorow's appointments in Ann Arbor. Hopefully those doctors will be able to find something out about Bill and help him in some way. I have already done a bunch of paper work for them and still have more to do with Bill. It is crazy how much paperwork we have to drag to these appointments. There is no reason for so much paperwork in my opinion. Oh well, I still have to do it.

New starts....

2008-11-14T12:29:00.002-05:00

I have tried to totally start over again. I am eating healthy, not drinking my beloved mountain dew and exercising at least every other day. So far it is going great. I think I have dropped a few pounds and I am diligently working on losing more.

Today I decided it was time to start cleaning up my dining room. I went through a ton of stuff and cleaned out a lot of things. I also organized my kitchen so it looks neat and tidy. I can't believe it's only taken and hour and a half to do all that. I also did my workout so I feel great about myself right now. I feel like I am really accomplishing something here now. It's a great feeling.

Now if I could get Diana to start jumping on board and trying to little harder I think she would feel a lot better too. She is a sweet person and I really do wish her all the best, but you also have to work toward the best to get there. I hope she reaches her goals and gets it all better.

Exercise

2008-11-12T10:58:00.004-05:00

I have resigned myself to the fact that this fat isn't going to go anywhere without excerise. I am now doing my buns and abs of steel 15 minute quick workouts every other day. I just finished my third session and I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I'm exhausted. My legs are like rubber bands and I have to do it again in two days. Ugh.... I have never been one for exercising and this is about killing me. But I swear to stick to it so I can get back to a healthy and happy weight again. I need this for me more than for anyone else. I know my hubby hates the fat, but I have to come first in this fight. He needs to realize that and be supportive and not keep harping on how fat I am. He doesn't see how hard I am working to get rid of this flab. I just need a good scale now so I can track my progress. So far I think I am doing good, but I can't be really sure without a scale. I can tell I am feeling stronger and I can run up the stairs now without being winded. So I guess there is some progress. I just want it to go faster than what it is. I just don't feel like the sexy woman I once was. I used to be thin and pretty and now I feel fat and sloppy....even in dress clothes. I need a change drastically.

On other fronts at least my family is doing well. We had a bit of sickness at the beginning of the week but that seems to be over for everyone but my DH. He has had a cold for a week and a half and it just isn't going away. I feel bad for him 'cuz all he does is cough and hack all day long or blow his nose. Poor guy. At least the kids aren't sick now. That is a huge blessing for me. Once they get sick everything comes to a screaming halt in our house. They are still young enough to be big babies when they don't feel good. It's kinda cute because I know it won't last for too many more years with them.

Blogging

2008-11-11T07:52:00.002-05:00

I really don't get blogging I guess. Everyone I know is posting about special topics and such and all I do is post like it's my private journal. I post the good things and the bad....my life is not all roses there are plenty of thorns thrown in. So why does everyone else's blogs look so awesome compared to mine? Mine is just a cheap, simple this is my life kin d of page.

Great starts....

2008-11-09T08:55:00.004-05:00

I haven't even been up for two hours and I've already done the dishes and started laundry. I've checked in on all my HHC girls. I've fed the kids breakfast....which of course comes with more dishes. Oh well. Now I actually have some time to blog. Yeah!

I had the weirdest dream ever last night. My DH married some 20 something hottie and brought her home expecting me to live with her too. I started packing and took the kids off to live up north by my mom. It was so weird 'cuz that is so far from what my DH is like. The whole time he was trying to talk me into the whole thing like it was normal. Too strange for me.

We are expecting our first snow today too. Maybe that's what has me so off whack. It should be pretty at least. I love seeing the big, fat snowflakes coming down. It is such a pretty sight to see. I am actually finding myself looking forward to seeing the first snowfall of the year. That is really strange for me too since I hate the cold. Another oh well. I can't help being excited I guess 'cuz it means the holidays are a comin'.

I lit a candle today for my friend Rachel whose house is in major structural disrepair. Hopefully the blessings will help her. I wish her all the best in all the troubles she is facing.

Ambition and eyes.....

2008-11-07T08:52:00.002-05:00

I have a ton of ambition this morning to get my house clean unfortunately my son went to school and got maple syrup in his eye this morning. So natually mom had to go get him from school, come home and wash the eye out. Why would someone throw a cup of syrup during breakfast anyway? That is how it happened! How silly!

Otherwise my house is going to get clean today. I have a ton of energy and nothing else to do with it so cleaning here I come. I've got two bathrooms, a kitchen and floors to clean. That should keep me busy for at least two hours. After that it's game time with my youngest then off to DH's appointment. I need to go get my meds too. Being out of my bipolar meds is not a healthy thing. If I miss them for one day I go into a manic phase. Then I can't sleep or sit still for more than a few minutes. It gets really nasty for me, but I get so much done it isn't even funny. Now if I can just get my DH to get his tools out of my dining room so I can clean that I will have it made. That is a job for another day though. It will take an entire day to clean just the dining room.

Losing weight.....

2008-11-06T08:53:00.002-05:00

I am currently attempting to lose at least 40 pounds. This is difficult for me because I am always dealing with food for the family. I recently gave up Mountain Dew in an effort to increase my weight loss. Now I need to find an exercise regimine that I can do without it taking too much time so that I can fit it into my schedule. I have an exercise machine but when I use it it doesn't feel like it's doing anything. Therefore I don't really use it. I'm one of those 'no pain, no gain' people. If I can't feel it the next day I didn't do enough. So I've tried yoga....no feelings from it. I think I need to go back to doing my buns of steel series but the time it takes is prohibitive. I really don't have an hour to do one tape. Although I will say that when I used that I did see results. So I just don't know what I am going to do yet physically. I have cut back on food and sugary drinks. I drink a ton of water a day now. I'm just trying to find the right things to take in the rest of it.

A coming to the ends.....

2008-11-05T08:12:00.002-05:00

Well football season is over for us for this year. No more washing uniforms and trying to have them ready in time for games. No more wearing a uniform to school every Wednesday to show off team pride. It's kind of depressing to see it come to an end.

The elections are also at an end. Our new president will be Barrack Obama. All the hipe and circumstance of pre-election showing off is over. Now life will begin to go back to normal other than the historic event of the first black man in the presidential office. I think he will be good for our country and bring good things with him.

Summer is at it's end as well. Although the last few days we couldn't tell it with 70 degree days and beautiful sunshine all day. It is a good time for things to come to a close. Soon we will be bombarded with snow and ice (it's pretty but too cold). We will see days of playing in the snow and then coming in for delicious hot cocoa. We will see a new president sworn in. We will see the changes that are sure to come. For most of us I hope those changes are good and we don't fall on hard times as some have predicted. It is time for us to say goodbye to the past and move on to the future be it no more football, the end of summer or the change of presidency. We are all needing to move on now.

Samhain

2008-11-01T09:04:00.003-04:00

Well we survived another Halloween. I even got my to do my Samhian ritual undisturbed. For Halloween I had two little dragons to chase through the mall. It was really fun. I have the school fundraisers all done. Now I just have a pile of paperwork to do. That's ok though. I can get through that in a day. Now if I could just type decent with my witch nails on! LOL They look so cool though with the glow in the dark tips. My oldest son didn't want me to take them off jsut yet.

Bad days...........

2008-10-20T10:33:00.002-04:00

Well, about 12 hours ago my ceiling fan fell in my kitchen. Now my dishwasher won't work. I swear I just can't win today. I've decided I'm not doing a damn thing today other than trying to relax. I've just had enough stess today.

Otherwise I was planning on doing dishes, cleaning my bathroom and picking up the house. Not now though. I think I will call my mom and talk for a while and see how she is after her surgery last Thursday. Then maybe I'll feel better and try to get something done.

Feeding the masses

2008-08-03T11:40:00.002-04:00

OMG....grocery shopping with my boys (3, 5, 13) can be such a challenge. Two of them wanted to argue the whole time. The other one wanted to throw everything out of the cart. Once school starts...I shop alone! Yeah! That will be the first time in over 3 years I've gone grocery shopping alone. I'm still not ready for Brett to start school though. I feel like I'm losing my baby! It makes me want to cry. Oh well. I can't keep them babies forever. I just wish I could. I really miss having a baby in the house. I have been talking to Bill about possibly having another baby. I'm not sure if he wants to yet or not. Time will tell.

Getting worse

2008-07-27T09:11:00.002-04:00

Well, I went with Bill to his therapist appointment and found out that he has tried to commit suicide in the last six months. He just backed out and couldn't go through with it. So now I have even more to worry about. My life just sucks. There is no way I can keep going with everything going wrong. I just am not strong enough to hold everyone up. I have enough problems without adding this kind of crap to it too. Now he has to see Holly every week and possibly be put on anti-depressants for his problems. Hopefully something helps him because I can't do much more for him. I try to listen to all his complaints and problems but then I stress out from his overload. One would think that with all the problems I already have that too much more and I won't be able to cope at all. Personally I'm not sure how much more of this I can go through. The disabilty, the worker's comp and the possibliltiy of losing our house is just becoming too much to handle. I wish Bill would just sell our house and move up by my mom while she still has the cabin. It would really make things so much easier for me to handle. I would at least have mom for support more than I do now. Right now I'm luck to see my mom once a month and I really do need her more than that with everythign going wrong right now. I feel like crying everyday and the stress makes me naseous. Of course Bill doesn't understand any of my problems with all of this. He thinks it is all just his problem. There has to be something better out there for me and my kids. This can't be all there is to life.

Depression

2008-07-23T11:56:00.002-04:00

Everyday seems to bring more bad news for us. First the lawyer doesn't want to use the letters from Dr. Harbut for the worker's comp case. Then Bill's disability was turned down. Now I have him depressed and me depressed and I have to cope with all of these problems. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no where to turn and no one willing to help us. I feel lost and alone. Bill is becoming more and more despondant. He only wants to talk if it is about these problems otherwise he just sits at his computer all day long. I find myself facing all of this more or less alone. Now I am becoming very depressed and anxious. I have been having anxiety attacks at least once a day for the last three days and am just hoping it doesn't get any worse. I don't know what to do. The stress is just unbelievable.

At least one thing is going right. Brett is getting potty trained rather easily. Granted I have to run to the bathroom with him every 20 minutes, but at least he is trying now.

Oh for a Relaxing day.....

2008-07-11T13:27:00.003-04:00

Oh what I would do for a relaxing day. This week has really been a challenge for me. The kids seem to be going bonkers lately. Fortunately all the contractors are now done with everything. The house has even been repainted! Yeah!

Today Bill is at his specialist in Detroit. I really hate not being there with him, but the kids aren't allowed to go with him. I really hope the doctor will give us what we need for the worker's comp case. Without his statement that Bill has chromium poisoning there is nothing we can do at all. It is totally ridiculous. This company destroyed my hubby's life and we have to fight for over a year to two years in court to try to get anything in exchange for my hubby's life. He can't work ever again.....his life span is severely shortended. It all disgusts me. I would love to give the same this to the company owners and see how fast they try to deal with it. They more than deserve to have the same health problems. Maybe they would stop trying to judge my husband and start doing the right thing.....but then again companies' and thier owners never do.

Enough ranting for one afternoon. I need to go play with the boys.

Ahh....

2008-06-07T07:21:00.002-04:00

Well the contractors are finally done. No more trying to move things out of thier way or working around them. My house is mine again! Yeah!!! Now that everything is so insulated it's hot in here and won't cool off. I may pay for it this summer, but come winter I'll appreciate it staying warm for a change.

In other fronts Jody and Missy threw Jean out of thier house and won't speak to any of us now. Bill's dad on the other hand is not involved in this in any way. That at least is good news.

Otherwise I'm hot and bored. I don't want to go back to cleaning up my house as hot as it is right now. Ugh.... But I guess I better get off my butt 'cuz no one is going to do it for me.

Family sucks........

2008-06-04T09:32:00.002-04:00

Well, my brother-in-law for some stupid reason believes I am into "black magic". What a crock. I've known this idiot for over 20 years and he still doesn't have enough respect for me to talk to me about it. Instead it is just an automatic that his family will no longer speak to anyone in our household. He is a #1 asshole in my book. He just ex-communicated himself from my life. I will have nothing to do with such a close minded person with no tolerance for others and no respect for others either.

Otherwise I STILL have contractors here. Ugh.... Can't wait until that is done now. But on the bright side we have beautiful looking doors and great insulation in the house now. Once it is warm in here it doesn't get cold for a REALLY long time. It got warm in here on Monday and it's still warm on Wednesday morning. We've had the furnace off for over a week now. Yeah....no more high bills! I love that.

Football

2008-05-31T09:06:00.002-04:00

Well Roy will be starting tackle football on August 25th. I'm really excited. So excited in fact that I have gone back to work on my book "Football for Moms". Me working on this book seems to keep my son motivated in the game. He loves that I am so involved in his chosen sport. So I am on my journey of writing again. Hopefully I can find a publisher interested in my book when I am done with it too. That would be a real kick since my over cynical hubby thinks that there is no chance my book could make any money. I would love to see it take off just to prove him wrong. That would be awesome. And why not, Darla could do it and so can I.

Otherwise I still have contractors working here and it looks like they will be here until at least Wednesday. Ugh..... I like having this stuff done, but I want my home back and in order again. Right now everything is moved around to make room for the contractors to work. It's kind of driving me nuts now. I just want it all done so I guess I will have to try to be patient and wait it out.

What a Mess....

2008-05-26T08:51:00.002-04:00

My entire house is a shamles for at least another week. I have had to move six rooms in the house for the contractors and until they are done I can't put anything back where it belongs. It is driving me nuts. I can't even clean my house the way I have to have things piled up out of thier way. On the up side we're getting new doors, the windows will be weatherized and there will be insulation in the house. They are also venting my dryer outside finally. Hubby didn't think it needed to be so he wouldn't do it. I can't wait for them to be done! I am so excited. My huge old Victorian will finally be warm and cozy in the winter. The last two winters the heat bill has been deadly. Of course now that it's 70 degrees out I don't have the heat on and all my doors are open....LOL. At least we aren't trying to stay warm while the doors are being installed!

Otherwise I am just bored, bored, bored. I have everything ready for the contractors so now I can't do much here. After they are done I will have tons of work to do again though. That will keep me busy for a couple of weeks at least trying to get everything back in order. At least Bill and I are getting along better and the boys are being treated better than ever. I love that. I allows me to relax and enjoy myself more now. That is a huge relief.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E....almost

2008-05-13T07:30:00.002-04:00

Well, last Thursday I told my DH that I was thinking of taking the kids and moving up north. He knows this means my mom's. He flipped. He desperately wants to work things out and stay together. I'm not so sure. The Thursday before that he used a belt on our oldest son and I told him that will NEVER happen again....I can't live with it. I cried almost all day the day he did it and the day I told him I was ready to leave. Since then he has been trying very hard to be good to the boys and me. I'm going to give it a try, but I still am not sure he won't be vicious when I'm not around so I haven't left the boys with him at all. I will say he seems to be trying to do better. I just hope it lasts. If not there isn't much hope left. He even said that once our court cases are over he is willing to go to therapy. I hope he means it. It seems I am doing a lot of "hoping" and I'm still not sure of anything. Truthfully I don't totally trust him anymore. For the sake of my boys having a secure home I will give this a try. I do believe it is unfair to pull the boys out of the only home they have ever known, but sometimes it has to happen and if I believe that is what will be best for them I will do it.

Boring......

2008-05-05T09:37:00.004-04:00

Lately I am so bored it is unbelievable. I don't want to clean around here, I don't want to read, I definately don't want to see the TV. I'm just no longer content here. My oldest son thinks we should leave because the hubby is becoming unbearable. I have started smoking again thanks to stress. I am desperately trying to lose weight. I am exhausted all the time. I'm having major anxiety attacks in the last two weeks. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to just sit and cry, but if my boys see that they will freak out. I feel lonely, sad, hurt, embarrassed, and scared. What would I do if I left the hubby? Where would I go? How would I take care of the kids? There are just soooo many unanswered questions. I just don't know what to do. I need help really bad.