Football Momma

Well my mom brought us two puppies. I was hoping to find one puppy that was good with kids and ended up with two. Oh well. They are both precious. My boys keep them totally tired out! LOL

Unfortunately Bill got royally pissed about her bringing the puppies and Roy not asking if we could have them....yada....yada.....yada. Now my mom won't come over here anymore because my hubby had to be an ass. I think he saves up a ton of meanness just to throw at my mom whenever she is here. But that won't be a problem now will it? He can be such a jerk.

Why do husbands think that everything that happens is their decision. I'm supposed to shut up and put up with whatever he dishes out. Yet being bipolar he will push me to the point of a complete break down and acts like it is my fault. Sometimes I wish I never would have given up my freedom and dreams to be married. So far all I have done is completely lost my own identity because of marriage. I can't be the person I want to be and still be in this house or relationship. He won't allow it. I think that is why the biploar became an issue in the first place. I never had problems with it 15 years ago, now I have trouble getting through a day. It just royually sucks!

I think the only bright spots in my life are my three beautiful sons. Otherwise I would have killed myself a long, long time ago. They are my only reason for being here now. Pretty pitiful to put that on three kids. I try not to let it show to them, but sometimes it is really hard. I just want to sit and cry all day lately, but if I do cry then my boys get all kinds of upset. Grrrr......The only outlet I have I can't use. Seems par for the course here. Then Bill wonders why I can call myself a pagan and not be concerned about going to hell. For one I don't believe there is a hell or a heaven so that is pretty easy. For two hell can't be much worse than my daily life so what difference does it make? I'll follow whatever religion I choose because the only thing he can't control is my own personal beliefs. He can control the money, the household, the kids and everything else, but he cannot climb inside my head and force me to believe what he chooses for himself. That is my one big freedom. That and whatever I can get away with by hiding it from him. When I go anywhere I prefer to be alone so no one knows what I say or do. Even for half and hour it helps me.