Weight

I have now ballooned to 230 pounds and my dear hubby is complaining about my weight on a regular basis. I stopped taking my depekote two days ago and with trying to get rid of our vans, getting the new van and all the boys being sick I just want to cry. On top of that I am sick too. Ain't that sweet. I just wish I could vanish. I'm basically a fat, worthless blob anyway. I hate who I am and what I am in the last year. Death just seems like it would be so much better. Just an end to all this crap no more feeling hurt or wanting to cry myself to sleep at night.

Since I stopped the depekote I can feel the depression getting worse, but that is better than the constant weight gain from that crap. I have been trying to take a walk everyday to calm and ground myself but some days it really helps more than others. Today I haven't gotten to go for my walk yet and I feel so down and upset it is ridiculous.

I went to social security with dad today and helped him with his paperwork and I got Roy's school work from Handy. That's erally all I've done for the day besides caring for the boys.

I have decided that I am not going to eat again until at least 10 pounds have dropped. I'm fed up and my body needs to learn to do what I want it to....period. There is no reason to eat if it is just going straight to my ass. Maybe in a week or so I'll see some changes. I hope so....if not I will need to go further. I haven't really decided how to do that yet but I will by then.